Awww how sweet! Happy birthday to you and your daughter! 
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Thx for the birthday story. Let us know how you are today.
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Thank you @amitrish 
Yeah!!! Some cake for us all! 
Thanks 
Love this picture 
would be great! 
Thank you!
Thank you!!!
Way better today! Thank you!
Writing, as always, does the trick.
This is my birth story! It is a long time ago, but still mine. 
And my daughter turned into a really independent, strong mindet women who is happy and embedded in her family! 
It is, what I wanted for he!
It’s beautiful weather, I got some book work done. And in my Lent rules birthdays are exception days. So I decided to just take it. 
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What is your book about? Is it fiction or non-fiction? In what language it is? Can we get a free copy to read during the lockdown? I have a few books left to read but I think I will finish them too.
Also, is that a homemade cake or a picture stolen from web? Why am I this inquisitive today?
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Fantasy 
It’s in German, sorry.
A translation into English would be a dream come tru.
The cake was homemade by me. But a few years back.
Oh 
That I can’t answer. Sorry 
. 
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I know very little German. I mean too little. When the book releases, let us know. I will ask (force, if needed) someone I know to read it. Then I would do a second-hand review of the book. All the best with the book.
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Wow, thank you for your story 
happy birthday to your daughter! So good to read that you are much better today! And you’re so right, this will forever be your story, can never be taken away! And how sweet was it that your son sang a song for her???i really loved reading it, you’re amazing.
Your story brought back memories of when my youngest brother was born… it was when i was 6, my other brother 4. When we were going to bed that night we knew we probably would have another sibling in the morning, me and my brother were really excited, but we were supposed to sleep. But then, in the middle of the night, my father came to wake us up, " hey, wake up, the baby is here! You can come now!But you have to be really careful, stay quiet, it’s sleeping! It’s a boy!" i still have that picture in my head, me and my brother stumbling downstairs, with a blurry view, only half awake, but so excited to see our brother in his first hour on earth. As quiet but also as fast as we could we ran into the living room, found our smiling mum, and there, lying on a blanket, our brother. “Look! He’s sooo tiny…” we whispered and we couldnt believe HOW tiny he was. Also how sweet he was. “Shhhh don’t wake him up” we all said to each other whenever somebody of us four had to say their admiration out loud.
I’m still glad to have that experience of seeing my brother right after he was born, and i think so is your son @anna834 ?
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Thank you
Awww your story is so beautiful!! Thanks for sharing.
I just asked my son, didn’t expect much, he was three back then. But he said, he remembers everything.
Just didn’t want to tell more at three in the morning, busy with frozen pizza 
So later 
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It already is.
Wow! Would be honoured! Thank you!
Your thread here is a nice place to share stories:kissing_closed_eyes:
Haha, great!
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This was one of the most amazing stories or the first birth story i ever heard?
I don’t know but this was something nice to read…tells you the pain that mother goes through while giving birth… It actually hooked me…your daughter is lucky to have such a beautiful present…her birth story and you know what…you are a very strong mother
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Wow!
Thank you dear awesome girl
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That’s great and thanks for the link! Unfortunatelty I’m not good at the German language, so I’d have to wait for a potential translation of the book 
But I wish you much success!!
Also happy belated birthday to your daughter 
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Sitting at my grandmas bed, watching her breath.
Going in and out.
Listening to the sound of the oxygen device and the clock ticking.
This old clock, that I have to wind up, that she immediately notice, if it’s not ticking.
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
Never more real lines, then here, in this moment, on the death bed of my grandmother.
92 years, 33694 days.
And now, the last ones.
Days, maybe weeks.
My life is on hold.
To accompany my grandmas last journey.
It’s 10 days today.
10 days since she is back from the hospital after her femoral neck fracture.
Back in her old home.
It is already a senior home residens. So you can get help for washing or the food. Horrible canteen meals, that she forever complained about. There is no way, we eat that now.
Yes, you can live here when you are old. As long, as you take care mostly for yourself. If this isn’t the case, you have to move into a nursing facility. Leave your old home, your friends behind, getting care clocked by the hour from strangers. Worse of all, thanks to the corona restrictions, one hour visiting time a day.
At least, dead would have come fast, living in this loneliness of the panicky mind. Death already wanted to clame her in the hospital.
So my decision to take her on wasn’t really a decision. It was the only right thing to do.
At least for me.
How unusual this is, I get to hear every day. The nurses who wash her two times a day, the ones who change her bandages, her friends who come visting, sitting on her bedside, while I use the moment and run down the 9 floors and back up again, just for me.
They all tell me, that this is never happening, even more by a grand child. Really, in this senior residency, three high towers with up to eleven stores, all full apartments for old folks. And I am the only relative, taking care of my own. Sleeping in her bedroom, while she has a hospital bed in her living room.
I listen to others, everybody seem to feel the need to comment on this, who tell me, they never could do this. Better someone else take over caretaking and you have time for quality visiting hours in a good mood.
But let’s be honest here, even if you would have 3 hours a day, and who has this? Your ancestor is still alone for 21 hours.
And that’s the most frightening thing. To be alone. It needed days, to get my grandma out of the thought carousel of the time in the hospital, how they tortured her. What was nothing else, then her own thoughts, creating the horror.
And she still calls after me. Every time I use the shower or the bathroom, she gets nervous to be left alone, always asking, when I have to leave. Just to give me a happy smile, when I say, never again.
No, this 10 days haven’t been easy.
And the hardest part weren’t the lifting on a toilet chair, or getting a cushion under that leg, turning her there and around again, getting some tea, feeding this or better that, give water in a sippy cup, doing cooking, laundry, dishes.
The hardest part were the nights, when she is confused, hostile, paranoid. Demond the phone to call friends, doctors, acquaintance to tell them, we want to kill, poison, harm her. So I had to take away the phone and she yelled at me, what evil, ugly, ungrateful person I am, that soon she dies and I will regret it the rest of my life. This maybe every half an hour till non stop.
After 5 days I didn’t knew where is up or down, for sleep deprivation and exhaustion.
You probably saw me rampaging through topics, just ball out my brain.
Yes, everyone could see, that this is nothing, you can hold up.
Even so this forum and people here, I’m even closer with, done a lot to keep me sane.
But I got help from the ambulatory hospice and palliative care. They gave medicine into my hands, that is calming and let people sleep. This sleeping wasn’t just necessary for me, also for my grandma. She can’t remember her confusion but it was still exhausting.
To that, I got my mother, uncle and his wife to take over every day between 6 or 7 till 10 in the evening. So I have this time just for myself.
What relief.
Don’t get me wrong, till now I wrote only about the hard stuff and duty. But all this feels not only right, it is also fulfilling. My grandma was there for me my whole life. Now we turned tables. I am there for her.
The circle closes.
Ends, where it began.
She feels like a child to me.
A little child that don’t want to be alone, that need my sure presence, that need to be cuddled and loved. If she is unusually long asleep at night, I already wake up, worried. Like I did, when one of my babies has.
And I say this to her.
That the circle is closing, that she is my child now.
That there is nothing to worry about anymore.
All she has to do is relaxing, letting herself be loved.
Then she smiles, tearing up in happiness.
When my grandma smiles, a real Feenlächeln how we say in German, elven smile shows. She looks so beautiful, shines from within.
Yes, there is not a bit that regret doing this.
Even not that I have to postpone my stationary time in the psychosomatic clinic starting mid October.
I would forever regret if I would quiet being part of this.
Sigh, even so, I know this isn’t a totally wise move.
As much, as I see myself as strong, healthy person.
But there is the reoccurring depressive symptomatic lurking.
To jump me, when I just think, that all in all I do pritty well.
Yesterday.
I could see, my thoughts turning. Even so, I can’t see any trigger.
I know it by now, know how my demons feel.
The demons, that are still me.
Not only my feelings turn, also my viewings.
I can watch this. When I start feeling unacknowledged, unloved, getting jealous of others and their interactions, want to leave forum and group. Then I know, I stumbled over in this depression thing.
And I argue with myself, that this isn’t real.
I deposited stong orders. This feelings aren’t real, I never would leave forum or group on my own free will, that I always am happy for others being close to each other, that everyone already expressed, that they love me, that I am not too much… This I repeat constantly.
And yet I don’t believe myself, I can’t feel, that those words are true.
So I sink deeper and deeper. Feeling the pain. Stronger, tearing. Till I have to cry in anguish. Loosing the capability to talk, to reach out, to answer.
Loosing everything.
And there I am, again, planning my departure of life. Detailing it, feeling comfort in doing so, in the future of escaping all.
Yes, there is still that other part, that screams, that I should remember, all this isn’t true, it soon will be over. I will scrambl out of this hole.
But this part let me go on in my detailing too, hope that all this planning a way with little harm as possible, ha, ha, will lead to getting turned back into normal befor I can go through with it.
I wrote you before about it.
I’m like Golum and Smeagol.
So afraid that Golum could win this race.
So in hope, that this stationary therapy can help Smeagol to win.
Find the answer:
Is there a possibility, that this ever stops?
Go away!
Go away! And never come back!
Or is it accepting this lurker? And still live on, give Smeagol the instruments to be forever stronger then Golum?
It reminds me of the election in the US.
Can you reason with the trumpists, let them see, how wrong they are?
Or is this course lost and your strategy has to be, mobilizing your own. Show how strong you are, that you are so many more.
That if we stand up together, go and vote, the insane and selfish ones stay no chance.
Decency and sanity always wins in the long run.
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We’re with you dear! 
and I’m only just a msg away when you feel like talking ! You’re not alone! Sending you strength 
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those comments never help at all🤥 they probably don’t say “wow, be proud of what you’re doing, you’re so strong!” … but i say it😘
i’m often thinking of you and your grandma. I hope right now both of you are sleeping well, or talking about old memories you shared together, or you just lay down next to each other.
And you describing her feenlächeln is so sweet:pleading_face:
To your thoughts on yourself: i, and i think we all, will always tell you honestly how we feel about you, and that is: we need you; as a part of this community, as a special human being we (thankfully) got to know, as someone who is loved and cared about and who does the same in return,so intense, you’re a special person, Anna.
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Ahhh shit i’m so so sorry!!! I didn’t know 
i should’ve not written that part, i should’ve checked other threads first! I’m sorry Anna.
(Thanks for pointing it out, @framos1792 )
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Heeeyyy, don’t be sorry. You couldn’t know. It is a little bit hidden. I just didn’t know, were to place. And my grandma so is a unforgettable person
Thank you for your words. Those are never too late.
It’s never easy with this situations.
Just yesterday, I had someone knocking. I opened and it was a senior friend from two floors above. I said hallo. She asked, if the time is appropriate. And I just looked at her. Then she specified, if it’s ok to come in and visit her old friend.
Just then, I realised, she didn’t know.
My grandma is always organising everything, she never trusted her kids to get done anything right. So there are lists, who to inform in case. And I thought, my mum did take care of it. Don’t know, what went wrong.
Now, I had to tell this woman that her friend, for who she had blueberrys in her hand, had passed three days ago.
She started weeping, didn’t know, where to put the berrys. And it was obvious, she didn’t want to have this reminder of her plans two minutes ago in her hand. And she had to find the proper condolences for me.
Sigh
I couldn’t help her. To take the berrys wouldn’t be ok. To hug her, or even take her hand, also not ok today. She couldn’t even see my sorry expression, cause I had to put a mask on as she came. 
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Goodbye to my own writing topic
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