My mind is always writing.
One way or another.
So it is fitting to have my own writing topic here.
After Manuel asked for one, I planned it for a while now. Even had thought about a good entry story.
But never came to the point of writing it, always other stuff with priority.
And it’s not so, that I have done it now.
No.
Just another story who wanted out, immediately. And I don’t find another topic to post it.
So, even when this is all long planned, it’s a sudden opening.
I don’t intend to pressure me with this, no deadlines and no plans what writing I will post here.
So I will get surprised the same way you are.
If anyone want to be tagged for future stories, just say it.
Thank you all for making this place my home!
12 Likes
Morning.
Why are mornings now the worst?
It was never this way.
Tired and exhausted in the evening, always good times for thought spiralling.
Mornings were for new days!
Morning has broken,
Like the first day!
But no.
The sad feeling, it is so strong!
Still in my bed, watching my wrist.
She is beautiful.
Despite I am a tall girl, my wrist is delicate. I can see the blue veins.
So fragile.
Wich one I have to cut? And how deep?
Can I get through the pain?
For this big goal, to just be done with it all.
Finally no fighting, no surviving.
And no pain.
No sadness.
Just peace.
No more.
NOOOO!
Stop this!
Drag you out of it!
Now!
Get up!
Get in this shitty weather!
Do your work!
A quick look over the social media.
An e-mail from the photographer girl who accompanied me for a shepherding day. Checking in, asking how I am, if I’m alright, that she is there.
And it annoys me, cause I don’t want her closer in my live, I don’t want her concerns, I don’t want to give her the truth about my being.
But still.
Still I will keep up my honesty rule.
No lies.
So I’m sorry for her, but I ignore the mail. And I know this is hurting.
Gives me a bad conscience too.
I won’t skip it forever. I will wait for a better moment. Write the truth of another time. Cause I’m perfect right then. And of course somthing in the line of, sorry, I was busy.
Yeah, I’m good in bending, streching my own rules.
And continuing.
The forum, no one asks how I am. Thank god!
Some hugs, that feels good.
Some short convo in the chat topic I can turn against me. Let me well up in tears.
Dang, Anna! What’s wrong with you!
He never ment it that way!
And don’t dare to snap back!
Go! Leave this place. No way you get morning greetings done today!
But they will notice!
No, they won’t.
You just wrote yesterday afternoon, that gives you at least a full day!
Ok.
OK.
But! He has his birthday!
You can see it! And?
No problem there!
I like him, no lying in cheery birthday greetings! And it’s nice that he would be happy about it.
Done.
Can we go now?
No, look, his sad confession is still unanswered. But what to do?
I don’t get this views.
I don’t have happy preptalk words.
Sigh.
But!
Ok, a hug. Give him a hug. That I can do!
And now I leave.
Sigh.
That went all in all very well!
I already was lucky this morning, that the one, that always registers didn’t ask.
Lucky?
To be relived that someone is so deep in real trouble, that the person isn’t asking you, cause you would return the question and that someone really don’t want to answer that.
What are you as a friend?
Fucked up!
And this not lying part gets harder and harder.
Everyone loving me, watching me. Hope for better moments, better times.
And I so wish to give that.
I want to be happy!
Just for you all.
I hate that it is otherwise.
Its so unfair!!
For years I struggled and fought. Always on my own. Always strong.
Locking the pain up. Marking him a stranger, forgotten the moment he left the house.
It is now were I finally turn around.
Look into pains face.
I don’t want to live like that anymore!
You, pain! Have to go!
Leave me allone!
And never come back!
Now!
Leave my live!
And with this comes so much!
So much me!
I love this happy, dorky person!
Giggling, joking, feeling finally free.
You all love her.
So carefree! So sweet! So young!
And losing.
Just got freed and already losing the war.
It hits hard.
Slaps me.
If I’m a fantasy character.
I am Smeagol.
Losing against Golum.
But I am out of bed now.
First fence taken.
What a sentence, fence taking.
That is, what my workdays are mostly about. Taking down fences and building up again.
Jump in the clothes and out, starting work.
Skipping bosses wife.
Later we meet and I smile. A sad smile, not all together lying.
And get through with it.
I feel so wrong, so make pretend.
They love me dearly.
But I can’t be to much on them.
The lying feels like hell, like betraying everything I fought for.
But how can I other wise!
They took me in.
For my work!
I have to work harder, to make up for this shit.
But do I do it?
No.
My back, shoulder, hip, all is hurting.
As if the ribs skipped their places again.
Let me feel even more resentful.
I work on a farm where the owners are 68 and 65, working their whole lives.
I’m here to make things better.
Not bringing this horrible me into this.
Stop that!
Now!
You take care of the hooves with rot now!
One sheep at a time.
Between, you take a back break!
They don’t expect more of you!
Why should I?
Just stop it!
And there is an sms by my brother.
Some encouraging words.
And some more per WhatsApp and in the forum.
Thank you!
I have to thank a lot of people.
But mostly sorry.
So tired and sad.
So @IronSoldier16 is this it, what you expected to read when you asked me to open up my own writing topic?
Probably not.
But my writing is that way. It comes. Want to get out. And I let it.
It helps.
The texts won’t always be that way.
At least I hope so.
14 Likes
This reads like a journal 
it’s a good way to process thoughts and emotions and more importantly to review these in future and reflect on this. A good self record and hopefully it is helpful for you as a positive release 
6 Likes
The formatting is a little odd, but otherwise good.
6 Likes
I never expect things from others, I like they surprise me with whatever they have.
I felt a bit lose for a moment because I thought there were 2 persons talking each other.
This. And that’s ok, the first time I wrote I didn’t know how to di it, so I just did it as I thought and with the pass of the time I learned how to improve my skills.
Keep writing. I need to sleep, so goodnight.
6 Likes
I know 
Had a lot of discussion with my book editor about that 
It is sometimes that way in me 
Golum 
Thank you two for the feedback 
So early? 
Ok, I slept at 9 pm too. 
Sleep tight 
3 Likes
Well, not exactly sleep, but rest. I’m a bit down for these dates 
3 Likes
Sorry to hear! 
Take a bone crushing hug!
Stay strong! 
And be kind with yourself 
Hope you get a phone back soon! 
3 Likes
Thanks! Talk to you makes me feel a bit better. Also listen to “My December” helps
Where are those brainless onions? Call them out and tell them that come here now 
3 Likes
Not so easy this days. 
Ok, nostalgic too.
I’ll need my bat. Give me a sec.
1 Like
Take mine 
And hit hard
1 Like
Great first writing post, thank you for sharing 
2 Likes
Calling me YOUR bat now? Psh wth you thinking? 
You boutta get smacked and not by me muahahaha
@anna834 it’s raw it’s very emotional and I personally liked the format because I could picture little Sméagol 
it reads that way when you realize it…it makes me read it faster and ensnares the reader in my opinion
Anyway yeah glad you opened this and I agree that you reading back someday when things are better will be very productive for you 
2 Likes
Thanx for your trust… sending strength 
2 Likes
And who finally won?
The formating is ok. But I don’t like the part about your wrist. I hope it was just literary fiction.
1 Like
I agree with framos here, it shows the struggle with your demons. And it’s good to let it all out, vent a little
I just hope you don’t Hurt yourself, it won’t make anything better… Trust me, please don’t 
Feel free to typ here whatever is on your mind
2 Likes
This really good looking forward to more from you
2 Likes
Anna, this is really beautiful! Just like someone said before, it’s like a journal, maybe what you are describing is not a nice thing for you to go through, but the fact that you can put that pain into words is just beautiful!!
I’m proud of you, takes a lot of strength to face ones inner demons and connect with your thoughts and feelings. And even more to write about that and share it with other people. You’re amazing!
Love you, stay strong and keep writing 
3 Likes
Thank you for your feedback
Thank you! 
Thank you for that 
The format gets mostly a total no go or a love. Seldom an maybe.
Just my brother, he says: I don’t like that format but it so pulls me in.
Thank you! And some more hugs 
It wasn’t so much the format of passages like the one above. That was ok after the first explanation. But I also put breaks in the flowing text parts, like an exclamation or so. Just to remind the reader that we are still in a character.
Some of this, she wanted to remove.
Or Word repetition and dots like:
“But … but… that…that just can’t be!”
And I got my will!
Please, don’t worry, you two.
I will not hurt myself. This wish is long past. Giving me more pain was maybe somthing in my teen times as I still hated myself.
Now, I love me, mostly and have no intention to hurt me in any way.
The thinking about this in those lows is more a consoling thing. Escaping. Sigh. I know, also not good. 
Thank you my dear!
Oh! 
Thank you!
It means a lot! 
6 Likes