Hello checking in.
I am in Greece and I’m having the time of my life. I kinda realised recently that I basically live in the Mamma Mia movie. With few small changes.
The job is awesome despite few flaws but there is no perfect job and I finally started to live. I finally have something to talk about. My life stopped being boring and I am awesome. I think it was meant to be. I was going to go to Greece and just have all the adventures.
And I became an aunt in June. So proud and happy.
My mental health is awesome. For all the people who didn’t give up on me, massive thank you
11 Likes
How is everyone doing? All fine here 
Random hug to person who needs it most rn 
Take care everyone! 
5 Likes
It going to be the hardest 4 months with my husband to be. We had to send hem away to get help and i know 4 months is not a long time. But when u have been with someone that u been in love with for a very long time. I know he be okay he have God by his side i do too. It just going to hard not seeing hem for a long time. I can’t see hem or talk to hem for 30 days but i v
Can Wright to hem eveny day.
All the best for you and your husband, I hope you’ll feel time will pass by very quickly! 
1 Like
Take care dear, Sending you strength! 
Time will go away soon… things will be alright 
Sending you strength for these month
All the best and strength to you all
Thursday morning and I am finally ready to talk here.
It rains outside and I am still cozy in my bed. I have a huge headache who already tells me that she want to be worse. At least when I would get active. To that heavy stomach cramps and me, right happy about it. Cause it all explains two days ago. 
But as usual I was all over this place, so I start from the beginning.
As I follow my own writing here, it actually started already six days ago with very strong feeling of loneliness, followed by shame and guilt.
Dang, really? Six days? 
And the nexed day I already registered that it wasn’t done with the one evening. So I started with measurements to be proactive. I met up with friends. Did go for swimms and nightly rides. Did a lot of talking here, cooked for myself. The hole time in a bit of a frenzy cause I knew it was all fighting off. Saturday I promised myself that monday morning I would call a therapist to get on a waiting list for appointments.
And I decided to stop to get a beer in a bar on my evening bike ride through the city. Never had I don’t that bevor and even with company not really. Honesty don’t get the hole small talk drinking thing in bars.
To my advantage I knew the bar owner. Actually I know a lot of people in my town cause my ex is from here and very, very, very outgoing. So I know even more people then they know me, for years I was more the quiet observer.
Back to the bar, one beer turned into four and I had really fun. Talking nonsense with total strangers, never done that before. 
So Sunday I woke up real flighing. Thought I had done it! Fought through it! Yeah! I can do it!
Just to lie 10 hours later on my couch, curled up like a ball, not knowing how to breath, shaking all over, heart bumping, pain, so deep, heart wrenching, brain mashing.
Yea, I got helped through it by you guys, again. Thank you!
Afterwards I was, I don’t know, mostly totally exhausted. Drained. How could that happen? I’ve done so much to prevent this! And such a heavy pain attack! I wasn’t even exhausted! Were is the reason to it all! It’s way to much! How did I handle this before? Will it never stop?
To that I must say, that I did a lot of therapy already and my real dark days are still totally over! But in all this time dealing with pain it never came up to really have a name for it. Seeing that it isn’t normal to feel this. That the pain attacks in waves. And with such vehemence that the body and the brain reacts to it.
When you have something like that for forever and be always alone with it, it’s not really easy to define it as anything.
In a way it’s like with the non smelling thing. Took me years to realise that I don’t. Sure other people talked about odor, but when you know nothing about it, how do you recognise this?
So you here in the forum gave me words for this. I can’t say thank you enough!
Yesterday I missed the calling hours by the therapist. But today!
I got him! And I have a first meeting next Monday, cause someone else cancelled. 
To that, my condition today explain everything. F*** hormones again! How can I still miss this sometimes? And would it had helped to realise this Saturday? I don’t think so, would have slowed down the mind carousel a bit, but not the pain.
My monthly schedule is totally out of control right now, it’s more like a three weeks schedule now. But not everytime as troublesome as this.
If anyone want to suggest a gynecologist, I already have. She want to perscripe hormones. But she don’t know me long enough. I’m not doing good with this hormones. Nearly died of the reaction to the birth control pills. Had a year of pneumonia and asthma and slowly fading away, till one of the many, many doctors I visited came up with just drop this pills.
And in both pregnancies I had to be hospitalised cause I couldn’t stop throwing up for months on end.
So, thats it. The pain has different triggers and I’m still in learning. Hope to get more help from the therapist.
To you all, I owe you already more than you can imagine! Thank you!
Wow. My headache reached a point were I feel nausea due to the pain. And I am still happy about it.
Take care you all!
5 Likes
Don’t think nobody reads it or like it. I’ve already read it and will give it a like in a moment. I mean that rescue and support sometimes comes late or later than you expect.
Good that you are so open. Good that you name the problem and look for help.
I’ll get back later. Maybe I will think of something more clever to say as a support. Sending hugs.
2 Likes
Thank you @anomalia 
Your support is just perfect as it is.
It is a long text, again.
And I am in a better mind mood as it is today.
Finally the headache is a little better too.
Nausea gone.
Driftet in and out of sleep the whole day.
Just happy to not be at work!
A big hug for you!
3 Likes
Hey Anna, @anna834 thanks for your trust and that you finally let it go- that gives the relief that you need to step over these Panik attacks. They are a symptom- a hint that there is still something inside of you that needs to find silence -
I’m glad you are brave enough to finally get the appointment- It’s the right way… step by step- and you know we’re always here if you need some support- to rant, to reach out or just a beary hug - strong lady… I wish you a good and empathetic therapist- and- if It calms you: I made a lot of therapy myself until now and I still do- and all I can say is that we run too easily back to old roads - the self betrayal is always on a jump - and therefore a view from the outside- as in supervision - is the best thing to have. Wishing you all the best - hang in there you’re not alone
3 Likes
Thank you for your words @theearlywalker
I already ask my self what I exactly did before I met all you. But right things at the right time!
A hug from me! 
2 Likes
The first appointment with a new therapist
Were do I start?
There are lot of different forms of therapy out there. The German health system pays for two. Deep psychology and solution-oriented system.
I did already a short time solution-oriented therapy a few years back and changed then to body psychotherapy. It’s also a while ago.
This appointment now was with a depth psychologist.
As I came in, it was like, oh, that really looks like a shrinks room. You know, like in the movies, just everything light coloured. And he, even with an freudian austrian accent.
Hm? Do I really want this?
So he seated me in an big comfy chair and started to ask questions.
I told him about me, not being totally stable and that I’m looking for more support. Told him about the pain and used the last pain attack from last week due to the PMS as example.
So he said, if it’s due to hormonal problems, he can’t do anything. Hormons are very strong, no chance you can work against them with therapy. But he wouldn’t say with this, I should take hormones.
So I continued to tell him about the recurring wish to not be anymore.
So he said, I want to stop the suicide fantasies.
And me: hä? What. No. Never had suicide fantasies.
Just the wish to not be anymore, stop the pain. And that it’s not acute, but I also don’t want this to ever hit again and know that it’s not totally gone.
And so I told him, how I handle myself, of the struggles and successes.
Then he said, that from all he hears, I’m more in need of a solution-oriented therapy to help with my struggling. He wouldn’t do this, but go deeper and into the past.
I asked him what he means by this. He would surely not do this, if it wouldn’t help in the long run. This he confirmed.
So I told him that I’m sure not in need of a solution-oriented therapist. That I’m very good in observing myself, get better in reacting in time, see were to act. And that I have to that a quite big support system that is very good in reflecting and supporting 
I really don’t want a extra person, telling me how to behave.
So I got into telling about my childhood struggles, about that crying, unloved inner child. About the schizophrenic psychoses illness by my mother. And all the work I already put into it. That I can finally love my inner child and that I also can be with my mother without going crazy or in pain.
But also that my former therapist wasn’t good in handling father stuff. And that there is still a lot of pain with the father stuff. The abandoned, unwanted child and the stepdaughter today.
He was like, there we are coming to something. That’s what he works with.
And yes, he think it’s a little challenging but he can see himself working with me.
He would say, I have a recurrent depressive symptomatic.
WTF?
If he could please spell this for me
And he, what, I would sure be diagnosed with this before.
What?
Or with something along the lines of depression. With that story.
What?
Never ever!
No one ever said something about diagnosing anything to me!
To the appointments, he is full right now and waiting period would be at least half a year.
Yeah, sure, did expect that much. And then filled him in, that I can’t take weekly appointments, cause of my work schedule. He looked at me and said that then it won’t work. For his form of therapy are continues sessions necessary and he would really recommend solution-oriented therapy.
And me again, no way! If someone says to me: “And what has to change, that this will happen” I start yelling.
So we felt silent.
Then he said: “And now?”
I shrugged and said, that I will probably do nothing.
Till to that moment, I was this happy, laughing even more during the hard parts, person I just am. But at this point, pain stroke. And I did no disguising. I said so, and you could probably see it too, hear it definitely in my voice.
He looked further at me, thinking. And then asked, when I will be back. I said at the beginning of September.
Oh, there he will be in vacation. Back in the third week of September. Ok, there I am back the next time too. He can’t give me regular appointments with my schedule.
He just can give me called off appointments by others.
Totally fine with me!
So, now I have to digest this all.
A diagnosis?
Depth therapy.
Why did I fight so hard for this?
Already called my boss and said if it is ok to postpone one day, so I don’t have to start packing right away and drive tomorrow 730 km (453 miles ). It’s ok with him.
My first impressions, the therapist thinks, I am quite a hand full, but he already likes me that much, to take me on nonetheless.
A little like it is with you guys!
Love you!
9 Likes
Glad it went well wishing you the best for the further appointments 
2 Likes
And my impression is that it went not so well. (Or maybe I just expect miracles. One visit and you are healed.)
Whatever… I hope it will be possible to coordinate your work schedule with gaps in his schedule. And that the therapy will turn out to be effective.
2 Likes
Did it? 
I take your word for it. 
Yesterday after writing I was just brain dead. A feeling like run over with a car and total relaxing at the same time. 
I’m still not sure what to think or what I feel.
I always thought depression means this empty down feeling over a longer period of time. So I never put me there. And now? I just learned from you to formulate my pain and now this is depression? 
To be diagnosed with it … it’s strange. Should probably feel boxed and categorised.
But I just feel relieved!
A little bit like, finally! I have the right to being like I am sometimes. Not that I won’t stop fighting.
And most of all, it makes me proud!! To have this my whole conscious life and dealt with it on my own! I am strong! I am a surviver!
And yea, I know, a lot of people think this boxing up mental problems in categories is bullox. In parts I’m one of them. But right know, I take every crutch I can get. Feel little tired, so many years on my own. Strong for me and everyone else.
Thanks, you all!
The funniest thing. A part of me still expect that this now is to much for you. Now is the moment were you chase this crazy chick out the back doors.
Lmao
2 Likes
From what you wrote above it definitely did! 
That won’t happen 
- if you leave here- you do it for yourself… we are happy to have you here - right the way you are 
stay strong
3 Likes
Chicken crazy
I had to write this out!
Thank you
3 Likes
I’m happy that he realized you needed someone there for you
I know you both say it won’t be a traditional treatment because of scheduling conflicts but you can see it as a supplement to all that you do for yourself
Personally I’d say the less you categorize something the better because you hold the power over whatever it is but definitely if it’s helping you feel validated then awesome
Hoping you get all you need to live happily
4 Likes
Thanks batmouse