It’s the worst feeling in the world to know you are draining the ones you love. Running around work caring for my clients keep me grounded for the most part. It’s nice to feel needed. But they have no idea of the nightmare inside my head. No one sees the many cracks in my mask:pensive:
days like this where I’m so mentally and physically worn out, it’s so hard to stay sane. I want to hide and just cry for hours…the last time I cried, like truly cried was almost 16yrs ago when I lost my grandfather… ever since I swore to never cry again…now I start but never let it all out…which I know is unhealthy but it’s a habit
See!you don’t have only negative thoughts!you can find your strenght in these kind of things… maybe it’s a little step forward, but it’s a way to move on… 
I know what you feel… it’s hard for others to understand you because you made a wall, but maybe it’s not important that everybody know your feelings… maybe you have to trust only few people that could be helpful for you…
2 Likes
It’s hard to trust people, I found that the ones I should have felt safe with were actually the ones that hurt me the most. They seem to be the ones that make me feel like a burden the most. Which is why all of you throw such a curve ball.
It’s in our nature to be that way, not a personal shot meant to make you feel unwanted… the people you consider should be there the most are the ones that are always there the most but because they’re the people always around you, it’s not that they’re not there I think that in a way it’s ourselves who get so accustomed and acclimated to people that we forget to value their presence sometimes
Again I see this as all natural-not that it doesn’t cause a sad lonely state within us- but what I mean to say is those close to you might not be as aloof to your pain as you imagine them to be…try to keep it within your thoughts that you do mean something to those around you even if people don’t always show it 
Regarding us-we’re obviously just an awesome curveball as you said 
also my eye rolls are actually me just tweaking on account of my contacts (or me just being a twitch tweaker 
)
I’m just kidding, I don’t believe anyone on here judges especially since different experiences have brought us here that connect us feel safe
5 Likes
Thank you all so much for today, I still have another hour to go before I get to walk home with Chester and the guys…but I wish you all could really see how much u helped me thru today
2 Likes
@danni1317 are you there yet?
I’m sorry if I couln’t help you more today. I had to work.
Just for curiosity how are you now?
I passed part of my day worried for you dude.
We can feel it, I hope that you can feel it too.
3 Likes
I just made it home, it was strangely peaceful tonight… a light sprinkle
4 Likes
I’m calmed down to hear that. If you want to talk or play I’m here for the 30 minutes 
3 Likes
My body is a bit sore, when I have these “attacks” it usually leaves me feeling like I boxed a few rounds…i wish I could say that’s it I’m cured but I know the next week will most likely be this way… the grief still hits me as hard as it did the morning I lost my brother, his anniversary and his birthday are usually the days I can’t ve around people.
my body pretty much shuts down on me and I’m bed ridden, I can sort of feel the build up. So I’m sure I’ll be reaching out alot in the days to come. It was intense and I did break down a couple times but some how it was just a little bit different, easier almost, as I read the replies.
1 Like
I really want to help you in other different way that just words… I mean, I can understand how you feel now, all your memories about your brother, your family and more. But I don’t find out the correct words to express my worry for you now.
Do you know why you come back to that circle?
1 Like
Do you mean why do I continue to go thru this?
1 Like
Yes, but in the sentimental way. I mean Why do you have that sense of returning to the same thing?
1 Like
My brother and i were less than a year apart. When we were born there was a lot of secrets and bad feelings. Many things had changed when we came along. Our father had cheated and the woman he cheated with had my brother. For years I would go over secretly with my father to spend time with Chad (My brother) we grew up knowing we were siblings . But when my mother and older sisters found out they were very mean about it. We were caught in the middle of a lot of hatred. Even till this day my mother will argue and get angry when I speak of Chad.
There was a lot of mental abuse that we went thru together.i remember my mother’s mom telling me when I was 5 that if I kept calling chad my brother that they would disown me. We were constantly singled out. Which only made our bond stronger, our dad’s side of the family was a little nicer. Our grandfather was the best and when we lost him to illness our own father turned his back on us. Chad was the only person that truly knew the pain. And loneliness I felt. We would take turns talking eachother out of the dark times. Unfortunately I spent so much time but took for granted that time. I have only a handful of pictures, a short letter months before he died… I don’t have much to remember him and I get scared that I may start to forget little pieces of him…
My mother and my grandma are always discuting about any thing. When my mom and my dad met, he had other family and my mom knew it… I was born and I passed like 8 years without know him. The day that I can finally meet him, my mom told me: Don’t gonna say anything to your grandma about that he is your father! Ok? I was a kid and I just shup up myself. I don’t want to do so longer this history, so to summary it: Sometimes the adults don’t know what to do with some things and then they act like kids or a type of animal.
My grandma hates my mom and my dad for don’t tell her the true about me, but she just wants to blame my dad and I for that…However, don’t try to understand everyone around you… Sometimes is better let them go and apologies them, no because they deserve it, but for your peace.
My aunt died almost 6 years ago and I thought that I should forget her. I’ve been forgetting the pain that her departure made me feel before, but I don’t forget her lesson. So if you think that you must leave a piece of him, then do it, remember this: Your mental peace is more matter than anyone around you now.
Trust in yourself and don’t fall down! Thank you very much for be so cooperative with a complet stranger like me and the other member here. You are becoming in someone very care for me now.
I must go to sleep now. I will see/read you after. Peace and love!
3 Likes
Thank u! Goodnight we can talk/read more tmrw:relieved:
1 Like
Love is in the house, this incredible great, I am proud to be part of this family, the LP family 
@danni1317 thanx for your honesty and your trust right from the very beginning 
7 Likes
Thank you guys for making such an environment that I can feel safe enough to do so! I also donated to @iava to try and help soldiers going thru the transition to civilian life
5 Likes
I myself know what it is like to feel like i don’t belong anywhere, suicide is never the answer as i have been told alot almost everyday. I also struggle with depression, i also doubt myself no matter what people tell me so just know that i also know what you’re talking about. The worst part of doubting myself is because i struggle everyday with austism which sucks, if i could recommend a method to help deal with depression, anxiety, cutting, and addiction and suicidal thoughts is writing, what i write is songs that i sing when no one else is around, or listen to music the main music i listen to is Linkin Park, both old and their newest songs, i also listen to Eminem, I recently watched a video on FaceBook about Eminem about how he also was dealing with depression and even tried to commit suicide but he still lives.
Ever since i heard Chester died i thought maybe it was a heart attack or something then i was told how it happened and that’s when i realized that suicide is not a choice or an option, because i didn;t know how bad it would hurt me but more so the group and fans all felt pain more than anything in the world.
So just know that no matter what you can always talk to me or anyone else if you feel like crap so if you want to talk just let me know and i will try to help out the best i can no matter what.
4 Likes