Hey, I’ve given it lots of thought to what you and everyone else here have shared. So I will instead give life another chance, recently I got in the middle of a good friend of mines family situation, where they have a hard time opening up their own darkness/demons, and after doing my best to help them , all I could think of is " if I were to die, to take my own life, what example would I leave for them, as hard as I have it, how easy it would be to just go, how selfish have I become , but then the cycle repeats. The anger, isolation, etc…now I’m trapped between half alive and half dead, there are things I want to open up about, but I’m not ready to, maybe one at a time, or more. It’s just…hard.
You’re smart enough to think yourself about the consequences…
Well, I’m busy these days… but talk to you soon!
Well, I know talking here is not the same than in person, but still as I said before, remember you’re not alone!! Maybe I’m repetitive,but it’s the truth!
I just thought I’d stop and add my two cents to this by being yet another person who cares about what you do, another person who wishes for your well being, and another pair or hands to support you if need be!
I was happy to see that your last post was much more empowering for yourself and that you’re seeing the value you have in others’ lives! Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate it but those moments when you do see that you have an impact on somebody can make a world of difference! I’ve found that a lot of times, reaching out to others kind of let’s you let go of lots of your own issues…like it puts your stuff in perspective and shows you either…hey I’ve been through worse and pulled through, I can help them pull through! Or man…they’re having an even harder time…I have to appreciate my own position… or stuff like that… just the act of opening up and gaining perspective can really give you something to grasp in life…
I hope you can follow ricks advice especially! About setting small goals for yourself! Little by little you will gain positivity in your life
Think that there’s balance in life meaning, however hard your life has been to this point, there’s always balance in the grand scheme of things-better times are yet to come that will tip the scales back to a more satisfying life give yourself the chance to experience the good that there can be okay!
Helloooo @silvallor1825 ! Just writing here to hear about you and sending you hugs!
Hey @silvallor1825 ! how’re you doing?
It’s been rough…I get stuck in between , there are days when it seems to get better…then stuff with family and circumstances and it gets so built up I get in that state of mind of ending it. That thought…that choice to still consider to end it…like a game of tug of war, only the rope can stay strong for so long untill it snaps.
As of now I can only make as many happy memories for those I’m around. That is my current mind set at the moment. I fear this Christmas will be hard, but I have to put on a face to my family that I’m ok.
I do wish everyone here a Merry Christmas.
I have to disagree… one of the two teams wins, so the winner isn’t the rope, it’s the team! Your team is made up of all people caring for you (me in this team ), while the opposite is made up of all your demons… now demons fighting alone, while you have aaaall the LP family with you plus friends/family you have in real life… And WE’re pulling with all the strenght we have and putting in all our love and effort!!
Thank you!! Wishing you a Happy Christmas back!
its also been hard to not want to go out like Chester…but lately…its harder…to live with constant thoughts…
You’re not the only one struggling. Thank you for asking this and I appreciate you opening up. It takes courage to do that. How have you been feeling since you posted this last month? Also are there free depression groups where you live? I started going lately.
This really hits home. There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about him and sometimes it really annoys me lately. I have had dreams too.
I have depression and I do have suicidal thoughts. I can’t promise anyone or even myself that I won’t end it one day. All I can do is take life one day at a time. That’s the best I can do for now. Hopefully I can make it 29, as I just turned 28 a few weeks ago. I do have trusted people and resources that help. I also like helping others, it makes me feel better about myself.
His music is very comforting when I’m feeling down or angry. I haven’t even finished watching the memorial on YouTube. I don’t know why I’m holding back so much. It’s on my bucket list.
Like I told lpfan61, it’s been a tug of war…only I’m the rope, being pulled by both support and defeat. And no there are no depression groups, I’ve lived with depression all my life, by now is the a constant norm , if that makes any sense.
I can completely understand this. And your not alone in thinking this. Also congrats of your birthday, my 29th is next month.
Yes and no for me, I still cry at one more light live on the crawling song he did, and many more. My biggest regret as a fan,was that I never got to meet him or got the chance to go to a concert. I can relate so much with Chester and Linkin Park was the first rock group I got interested in.
I had plans…I was going to do it this year…and if not then next year…I was going to take my life on July 20th, the day he took his…I remember, holding my mother’s handgun, loading it and pressing it against my head…and all I could do was weep non stop, I was so angry , broken,I just couldn’t find the strength to pull the trigger on myself.
Going to take a breather…
@silvallor1825 how’s going the new year?
Hello! I’m Princes from the Philippines I’m 18 years old and i don’t have sibling just me, when i was 9 my cousins influence me to listen songs of Linkin Park and so that I always sing those of their songs in our karaoke because i love their songs especially Numb and In the end just so inlove to that songs till now before instead watching cartoons in Disney channel and cartoon network i used to go to myx just to watch there Music Video and i just feel so relax with my cousins, but the days came to month and months came to years my cousins having there own family and i feel that I’m no longer their baby girl and just so sad feeling so alone and after that my father died and I feel that I’m drowning at the age of 10 I can’t expect that will happened to me there’s a big changed I’m suffering with the feeling of i don’t know, I don’t know what’s happening in myself and what Im feel inside I don’t know that… that is the start of depression when 2017 came and listening all back again one day i’ve seen a news came from youtube and twitter that Chesterbe is dead and i really don’t know what to react i just really want to be alone even if i’m watching the “One more light concert” for celebrating the life of Chester for honoring him, I’m crying so hard and feeling so helpless more feeling of drowning just so alone. look that i’m a mess a big big mess so awful and hurtful all my dreams just wiped out. So sad that i didn’t see him in person even the whole band Brad, Joe, Phoenix,Rob and Mike Before when i was a kid i have a wish and i didn’t told this to anyone because here in the Philippines and in my family We have tradition that if i have a wish just make a wish and just keep it no matter what don’t tell no one just you and yourself wait to be grandted it to you, but now I know it’s impossible to be happen that’s why i will tell this secret from then to now that i wish Linkin Park come in the Philippines to have a concert and meet them personally and hug them tight so they can feel my love to all of them especially Rob because Robert is my love ever since. Rob is different he is a Chest out man hahaha that is one of the reason why i love so much rob and he is so quiet and always looking so brave so damn hot everytime he goes in the stage and playing his drums so damn i wanna give him alots of kiss and hug, wish i could see them all and buy some of there merchandise that they’re selling if i could just turn back the time, i know that i will never meet them just only in my dreams. just so much sad.
Well I got drunk on Christmas Eve and I spilled my guts out , let out everything I was going through. And my family just used it as an excuse that I was just a crazy drunk and to never do it again. So I cut ties with some of them, aka disowned them. I don’t need their negativity in my life anymore. Other than that I’ve been ok, got to play the VIP anthem this weekend for my birthday,it was awesome.
You did well cutting ties with people who judge you and don’t understand you…
Nice you’re doing well!
Good to hear from you again.
This! Very wise decision
I hope you had a nice birthday
To say that I’m struggling with Chester’s death or that I keep mourning him would be an overstatment. I guess ‘struggling’ and ‘mourning’ are reserved for his family and his closest friends. How could I compare myself with them? I probably would never meet him, even if he was alive now. I’m not the person with one more chair in my kitchen after he died.
I don’t mean I don’t care. I’m just trying to say that the family lost their father and husband and I didn’t lose one of my favorite artists. To me he still exists in his music, in the whole taped evidence of his life (interviews, concerts, charity events and so on). Anytime I want I can google him and he’s there.
Off course, I feel sorry for him as for any person who dies untimely. And I’m upset cause I can’t find good reason for why he had to die. Probably there were no other than depression (brain chemistry), empty house (occassion) and alcohol (anesthetic). I can’t believe that Chris Cornell’s death was the reason or the main reason. To follow his friend instead of staying alive for his twin girls (other kids, wife, friends, band mates, let alone fans)?
I’ve been trying to investigate into the essence of depression. I’ve been trying to look for clues if anything had seemed to be wrong with Chester before the July, 20th. I’ve watched a bunch of last interviews, funnies and concerts. The interviews - he’s always happy, witty, enthusiastic, if the talks of depression always uses a past tense, seems he knows how to deal with it. The concerts - ‘One More Light’’‘Crawling’ among is fans - is that the last good-bye or just the performance that needs concentration and seriousness?
By the way, his story reminds me somehow of the novel ‘A Little Life’. The protagonist - of many talents, successful in life and loved by everyone around as an adult sexually abused as a child.
He can’t stop cutting his forearmes all his life which lets him relieve his pain and forget the shame he constantly lives in. Guess where it leads him….
I myself have never been diagnosed with any depression. Probably only because I have never look for any profesional help. I would say that I fully understand what Chester meant having talked about the bad neighbourhood in his head as I expericenced mine. To those who suffer from any depressive disorder I’d like to say the following: your life may no meaning to you but you may be the whole world for the other people. Recall your parents, your kids, your partner…There must be someone dear who you wouldn’t intend to hurt. So think of them, be responsible for them - they don’t wanna see you dead, they don’t deserve it. Live for them.
EDIT: I’d like to add also that alcohol and drugs are not a good solution when you feel down. They let you ease your pain for a moment. If you realize that your depression is about the balance of substances in your brain you will know that drugs and alcohol may change your brain chemistry for even worse than it is know. Which means as a result you will feel more pain. The same with a suicide. Instead of relieving your pain you may end up on wheelchair or keep living like a vegetable if your attempt is not effective.
@silvallor1825 thinking of you rn… hope you’re doing well!
I’m always thinking about Chester. I feel like I’m with him in my hard times. Even if it isn’t, feeling that way connects me to life. That’s how it is for you, dear friend, to try to feel near her. Sometimes when I do something good, I dedicate this to the angel. I say I did for Angel Chester. Sometimes I’m talking to Chester next to me, and that’s what I’m saying for you. You should do that. I hope you keep on living, otherwise you’il break our hearts. Hope to meet you at a time of the day…
I can relate to what you’re saying. It’s probably hard for you to realize this, but from the things that I have lived through, I discovered that it WAS NOT ME that was the problem. I was the scapegoat
Problems in my family started before my parents were born!
My grandmother’s disliked each other from the time that they were growing up. When my parents started dating in high school, the trouble started then. When I was born, I became the lucky reciprocate of the hostility that had been building between various members of both families. Since I was a child, they all seemed to think that it was fine to say/do whatever to me. When I would speak up & say that whatever hurt my feelings, I was never taken seriously & always told that I was too sensitive. I can tell you many stories, but that is not the point.
What I have only recently discovered is that due to the way I was treated growing up, I believe I became Co-Dependent ( It has some new fancy name now ). Growing up I always felt like I wasn’t really loved/wanted by my family.
I have also discovered that many of the people that were involved in my early years & the type of men that I ended up in serious relationships with turned out to be Narcissists! People like me that are so desperate to be loved, are exactly what people like that are drawn to. They are the Predators & we’re the Prey.
Perfect example is how your boyfriend treated you. He knows that you don’t like to be called a B!tch, correct? And I would bet that’s EXACTLY why he called you that. It used to bother me when people called me that. But then I turned the tables on them! When they called me that, I would say “That’s right I AM!!! Don’t mess with me or you will find out how miserable I can make you…”. They would usually mumble something & just leave me alone.
On YouTube, check out: Michele Lee Nieves Coaching videos. She does lots on dealing with Narcissists & getting help dealing with things. This might not be your problem, but the things she talks about may still benefit you in dealing with people that are mean/bully you, make you feel bad about yourself.
Best of luck & always remember that LPU is here for you & stay strong!!!
Way to Go!!! I know that it’s really hard to cut * so-called * family members out of our lives, but when they are TOXIC people, it’s the ONLY WAY for you to survive. I have been there, done that & had many more people criticizing me for what I did. Like someone else stated “they don’t know what we’re going through unless they walked in our shoes”.
I have been through many bad things also. Many of the emotions that you have experienced in your life, I have also been through them. Many people have tried to * break * my spirit, as if I’m a wild horse they’re trying to break. Even as a little kid, I stood up to them & would not back down. Al of the crap that they put me through has taken a toll, BUT…I’M STILL STANDING & they haven’t broken me yet.
I have a feeling that you are stuck in the way you feel now because it has been going on for so long. Compare your brain to a vinyl record when the needle gets stuck in the groove & it keeps playing the same thing over & over. It’s hard to break out of that, I know.
I tried to get some of the people to realize what their actions when I was growing up caused as far as how I view/deal with things in life. No one would ever admit/show regret for what they did & how it affected me. That made me even angrier. I’m working on finding other ways to cope/deal with it.
Does anythiing that I said make sense to you? Maybe, hopefully, it will give you or someone else on here some insight into what might help you to break free from all of the crap that goes through your head. For me, it’s like I’m stuck watching movies of myself at whatever age I was & going through the bad stuff, seeing myself & how I reacted as family members screamed terrible things at me. I haven’t solved that problem yet, but I’m working on it. Let me know if you find a way to break the cycle.
PLEASE always remember that we are here for you!!! Don’t let them beat you!!!