Who's still struggling with Chester's Death? Have you had suicidal thoughts?

The Underground
#1

I know its been a year and four months, it still feels like he passed yesterday. I still weep when i hear his songs, or watch old lpu shorts. its also been hard to not want to go out like Chester, ive been a survivor of 3 suicide attemps…but lately…its harder…to live with constant thoughts…and i know how some people feel about suicide and everyone has their opinion about the matter, and i can understand living with something like that, to hide the thoughts and plans from your friends and loved ones, even telling and all they reply is that you need to be treated and quit thinking that way or it’ll pass…truth is…we all have a story…some of us are ready for our story to end, like his song, waiting for the end to come…or ill be sorry for now…which i want my funeral song to be

I know im not the only one struggleing or going through this, there’s lots of yall out there, i just want to let it out, to tell someone…cause if i tell my friends or family…i dont want to be hospitalized…i just want it all to just end.

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#2

Hellooo! First of all, I’m glad you talked here cause talking with people who can understand your feelings could help you maybe in some way and the soldiers always care for each other!
Second, my advice, if you’re not feeling like listening Chester’s voice and songs, just don’t for the moment! Especially with those thoughts in mind… Like you said everybody has a story and a personal way of reacting in sad/hard moments… what I want to say: don’t give up! You’re still here and that means you have the power to fight your demons!Keep fighting! Always! Take care of yourself and stay strong! :hugs: :sun_with_face:

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#3

@silvallor1825 - Hi my friend. Please know that you are not alone. I hear everything you are saying and I know that what you are feeling is very real. It is scary to talk to anyone else about these types of feelings. It’s scary enough to even admit them to ourselves. It’s also very normal to feel scared to tell your family or friends because we don’t want them to look at us differently. The decision I made was to call a local mental health clinic and make an appointment with a very nice therapist. This was a person I could talk to about all these feelings and I never felt that I was being judged. He made it clear right from the start that there are a lot of ways to treat depression and suicidal thoughts. Counseling, medication, techniques like meditation, exercise and breathing exercises, just to name a few, that do no involve being hospitalized. I have been with my same therapist for the last 19 year and I trust him and his advice completely when it comes to my mental health. To get you started, you can go to https://www.changedirection.org/320-changes-direction/ - This is the site that Talinda Bennington is such a big part of. There is so much wonderful, helpful information there. You can text SIGNS to 741741 for 24/7, anonymous, free crisis counseling or call the toll-free suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255 any time of the day or night… Stay with us! Stay a part of our LP family and let us love you. We will always be here for you. Please post back and let us know how you are doing! We care so much!

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#4

Thank you, as to what you said about if I don’t want to hear Chester, it’s the opposite. Depression has been such a normal in my life, that when I hear a downing song, or one of loneliness/depression, I’m drawn to it, or if I am to be honest, submit to it and allow it to just flow. I give in willingly. For six years it has been like this, I’ve done the meds, therapy, guess with so much time the only way I spill is if I’m drunk…but that’s also when I’m at my most dangerous, see my family has only seen me act suicidal or talk about it when I’m drunk…but they blame it on the alcohol, which is the only way I’ll spill my heart out…but it’s hard to find that someone…to spill and not let everyone expload on you. This pain …has roots upon roots…a paradox of hurt, sadness, rejection, abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, deception, abandonment, cheated, heartbreak, isolation, and etc…years of it. That’s my every day, my mind never stops talking, never stays quiet, been inside my own madness prison. Sorry if I’m not making sense, but I wish I could explain it better.

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#5

:hugs:

Ok, I can understand that and well it depends on the person, somebody feels more depression hearing his songs now, some others (like me) like to hear his voice … I never stopped hearing him, I’m feeling more like he left a legacy to us, through his words and songs… :heart:

You said yourself… that’s “dangerous”… not healthy,not fair to yourself if I can say! You deserve more than that, you’re "precious"and should take care of yourself… you should love yourself and protect you from every dangerous thoughts! Don’t underestimate you and your qualities! As I said in previous post, you have the power to fight your demons and you’re not alone in this war, cause we care for each other!
It’s difficult to talk about those things with your family obviously,and it’s not easy to be understood,but I think your family has its own way to love you…
I think you(we) are more sensitive to the surrounding and we all have to learn to not be affected by it… Always think that you’re important and not alone!

Sending strenght to you and hope to talk to you soon! :hugs: :hugs:

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#6

I fully agree with @lpfan61’s and @adrianne62’s advice. I’ve never had depression but I can imagine It’s extremely difficult to battle with it on a daily basis.

With that said, you must always keep in mind that the past is no more, what’s done is done. I advice you to start taking small steps every day to make your life better. I think it’s important that you stay away from alcohol, as it makes you dangerous. So maybe every time you feel a desire to drink, steer you mind in another direction. Listen to your favorite music or do whatever you love doing.

Above all, set small goals to improve your life and reward yourself when you meet those goals! You’ll see in time that your mind will become stronger and more self assured. For example, you say your mind never stops talking. One way to cope with this is meditation. Start by meditating 10 minutes each day and add 5 more minutes each week. There are many fantastic videos that guide you through such sessions, I can send you some links if you want!

Remember we are always here to help you. In the end, the road to a better life is never an easy one. But it’s up to you, and only you, to get on that road and most importantly, stay on that road. :slight_smile:

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#7

I understand and validate every root that is causing you so much pain. I also have a brain that never stays quiet, so you are making complete sense to me. Your explanation is perfect. I know that alcohol makes me more dangerous to myself as well, so it’s better to stay away from it. When there is so much pain, depression seems impossible to fight against, but I know you can do. Just take it one minute at a time. Every deep breath you take is a victory to be celebrated. Keep talking to us and venting what you are feeling. We want to listen and help. We care.

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#8

Hey @silvallor1825 how’re you doing? :hugs:

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#9

I decided to give myself one more year( at least try to), but today was difficult, nothing but hatred and judgement from my aunt. Another Thanksgiving ruined, it was over in 5min. Trying to numb this pain ATM, so I’m a but there in drunk so I’m hitn hay. Tsk to y’all later

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#10

What are you saying!!! What one more year??? You have a whole life awaiting for you!! I’m worried for you,you know…I talked to you few times here but I don’t want this for you!! I do care for you!! :heart:

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#11

I understand, but know a year is a long time to decide, and it let’s me make as many memories with the people I’m with ^__^. Who knows, something may or may not happen for me to end it, that’s why I’m willing to give myself one more chance…after that…if it doesn’t go well…I’ll go happily.

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#12

As for what you said about " whole life" , life hasn’t been life for me in several years…again, I appreciate your kindness. And thank you in advance for everything.

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#13

I don’t want to!!! You stay here! :sob: please… :heart: whatever happens or not happens… I know life is cruel, and people too, but I’d like to talk with you and keep seeing you here… :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

I love you and care for you! I appreciate you as well… :heart:

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#14

I appreciate it, but I’ve made my decision. This is my last chance on myself

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#15

NO!!! That’s not the right decision!! There’s always another way!! You just have to find it! And you’re not alone in your battle! Don’t give up! Even if it’s hard! We’re here with you!

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#16

A year is a long time, it’s plenty of time. Let me make my good/ parting memories with those I care about.

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#17

:pensive: :cold_sweat: hope things will change soon for you to think in a different way…

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#18

I have struggled with Chester death because is feel like he was so happy and his demons took hem away form us and his bandmates and family. i miss his smile laugh and his voice. Linkin park won’t be the same without hem. For me my suicidal thoughts is because of my depression and what im going though i feel like i can’t do anything right and i feel like when something goes wrong it always seem i get yelled at. And yesterday my boyfriend it trying to quit smoking and we trying to watch a video and it wasn’t big so itry to get big but it won’t so i was called a stupid bitch i hate the word so i feel he doesn’t love me

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#19

I’m still struggling with his death. My world broke when it happened. I was sexually abused when I was a kid and had depressions ever since as well as suicide thoughts. Chester has always been kind of my touchstone. I always thought if he’s able to overcome this so can I, but then I realized his demons took over and he lost. So I felt that I will have to lose this fight too. That there is no hope since he, my hope, was gone now. However, suicide is not the answer. My therapist once told me that another tragic thing about suicide is the fact that after darkness comes light. There will always be better times even if you’re stuck in your head and think there is no escape, but there will be lighter times. Always! I mean, of course, as someone who has been suffering from depressions and suicide thoughts like forever, the light will never shine very very bright, but it will. I promise. I hope you stay strong :four_leaf_clover::two_hearts:.

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#20

I am sorry, and I understand about trying to do the right thing and it backfire on you. Same when I try to do the right thing but it just makes it worse. Also, you are not stupid, we are all imperfect , even when we try to be perfect all the time, but know that even though I’ve never seen you or know u, know that you are beautiful and I appreciate you opening your heart , ileven if it’s just a bit.