(The content of this post is important enough to warrant it’s own topic, but I didn’t want a title that frightens or triggers ppl, you’ll see what I mean when you read the following text.)
Yesterday morning, just before 1000 CET, I was sitting on my office chair when suddenly, I felt that I had a strong pain in my chest, it was unlike heartburn, it was stronger than any pain in the chest area that I ever had. I then moved my hands to my chest in an attempt to soothe the pain in my chest, but once I did that, I felt like my hands were locked in placed, couldn’t move them anymore, so my body seemed to be pinned between my hands and the chair. With my body felt like it was pinned down, it got increasingly difficult to breathe, I tried very hard to call for help, but barely any sound could get out. The only response I got was a confused “huh?” from a female colleague, and upon hearing just a “huh?” I felt defeated, like nobody is gonna save me now.
After what felt like a long while, I heard lots of frantic footsteps and I swear I felt my shirt lifted up, but when I looked down (only my eyeballs rotated downward, I couldn’t move my head), my shirt still appeared untouched to my eyes. I was like, is this the end? Have my eyes stopped working? Are my eyes dying? Is my brain dying? Am I dying? Is this how I go, just like that? It was at this point when I realised just how unwilling I was to die.
This went on a bit longer, with me fearing the worst, and the next thing I knew (dunno, my eyes were mainly looking diagonally upwards towards the ceiling the entire time, or so I thought), the ordeal was over. I found myself lying down on the floor with my hands in a lower position than previously, and my shirt was indeed opened. They explained to me what happened earlier, the heart attack, and that they opened my shirt for the CPR and AED. Yes, it’s still hard to believe (I’m still shaken by it), but my family has a history of heart attacks. My grandfather passed away from a heart attack when he was in his 50s, and about a decade ago (I told Pat this), my father was hospitalised due to a heart attack as well, with one of his arteries clogged. Obviously after that I had to go to the hospital as a precaution for observation, and they took my recent injury into account (Pat can tell u about my recent injury). (Yup I’ve to take several medicines as prophylatics etc.) My father says that nowadays many ppl are getting ill younger, cancers and heart problems etc in their 30s. It’s very difficult to write all of this down, not only because I’m still shaken by what happened (I had to take quite a number of breathers to write this whole thing), but because there are a lot of interruptions here, least to say I hate the lack of privacy here in the hospital.
Referring back to the title of this topic, I now see everything in a different light now, even though I know the things around me haven’t actually changed. I don’t want to get philosophical here, but it’s hard to explain, cuz only those who’d been through something similar would truly understand, hope u get the gist. (Yup I wrote all of this in a notepad app before pasting here, it took me a long time to draft).