My confession. Please help me

We Love You Chester
#1

Hello everyone,

I am very new around here so forgive me if anything of this seems to be very sloppy since I’m not quite as familiar with a forum type of format. I just want to warn you all in advanced before you decide to continue onto reading because what I’m about to say is going to be very upsetting and very triggering. But I can definitely use the LP community right now because I’ve been so alone in my suffering and I have no where else I can go to except here to find some kind of comfort or something.

Anyways I’m just going to straight up tell you all that ever since the 20th, I’ve been cutting myself almost every single day. It’s been the only way that I can cope with losing Chester here and it’s all my mind ever wants me to do whenever I start to feel sad about him. The emotions I’m feeling is very overwhelming. I’m hanging on by a thread here. I’ve also been crying almost ever day. I don’t know how else I can deal with this seeing as I’m very compulsive and I don’t have the ability to control my urges.The worst part is that I know I’m being crazy but this is also something I can’t help.

To give you a little bit more background about myself in terms of how I’ve been trying to do the best I can, I go to therapy once a week, I take my antidepressant and anti-anxiety pills everyday. I don’t have a job nor do I even know how to drive, let alone even being able to afford a car. I pretty much spend my days at home in isolation so you can all probably imagine why it feels like I’m alone because essential I am alone physically. Another thing I want to confess is that I actually felt like doing the exact same thing that Chester did on that same day because everything in my life was going wrong on that day and hearing the news was my final blow…

Unfortunately the third anniversary of my best friend’s death is coming up on the 10th and my local Chester memorial is two days after that. I never thought that I would be mourning over Chester in the exact same way I did with my best friend but here I am doing so. The thing is it’s not like I knew Chester personally, yet it still hurts me so much. So yeah I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to make myself stay alive this week but I’m just going to for the sake of attending the memorial. After that I’m not so sure how much longer I can take this pain. Thank you for taking your time reading this.

Edit: I also like to add that last week I used the suicide text hotline from LP’s official website twice. The second time has helped me a little bit. However I need to be around other fans like yourselves seeing as I feel like there’s more of you guys and I won’t have this feeling of being left behind with my thoughts again by myself. I could really use some comfort right now since I want to think that you guys are welcoming enough like a family would be. Anyway the sooner I can see a reply, the better since I’m struggling very badly in my depression. Thank you.

5 Likes
#2

I’m really sorry to hear everything you’ve been going through… there isn’t a whole lot that I can say that would be much different than anything other people on here or on hotlines could possibly tell you but I think I would say to take things one thing at a time… I do totally get you about feeling lonely physically as in probably not being so social
I can tell you beyond here I have very few people to look around to so I get how crappy that feeling is
I think it’s a good thing that you’re going to the memorial because you’ll get to meet people in your area that have been touched by this occurrence
It may be a big step but if you can stay in contact with those people and with people through here it’ll help the feeling of loneliness
It may feel counterproductive to you but try participating in things around here too
Take little walks to parks and take in those little things in our every day lives that can bring you a bit of satisfaction
look at things in bloom, wildlife, look at how something works and how somebody came to that idea of making it work
Little drops of happiness will build up within you and give you strength
Hold on here alright
It’s great to have you here :hugs:

9 Likes
#3

Your confession here regarding the current battle you are facing is the biggest step toward the road to healing and recovery. It seems you’re saying in so many words “I truly want to get better and I will!”. Sharing about it here takes a lot of courage…and you did it! There are LOTS of encouraging and very supportive people in the network of LP fans here. I encourage you to take each day slowly and not see the goal of recovery as something so far fetched. You can overcome this. Your fellow fans will not steer you wrong. Your current story can help countless others who are facing a similar challenge or worse to overcome their difficulties.
Ultimately, YOU have the power to say I’m moving forward and I will be a strength to others. I pray strength and peace upon your heart, mind, and life. Peace to you my friend :pray:t3:

8 Likes
#4

If you need something to distract you, you can check it out the game area. It’s a good place to spend the day. It’s all I can do for you now.

2 Likes
#5

I have a history with self harm, I haven’t actually hurt myself over a year now I think. I still think about it, it’s a daily battle. From my own experience, I can tell you that eventually it does get better, as cliche as it sounds. Start finding healthy coping mechanisms for cutting. A common one is keeping a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it whenever you feel like self harming. It doesn’t do any real damage but has the effect to take the urges away. Or try taking your emotions out in a different way than violence. Find something to fill your time with, whether it be art, music, gardening, or video games etc. just any hobby you might be interested in.
As for the loneliness, I HIGHLY recommend meeting fellow Linkin Park fans through here on the LPU or on other social medias. Being in a group chat with a few other people who are going through the same stuff I am has helped a lot. The Linkin Park family loves each other and helps each other out, and it’s a community you can trust. I hope I helped at least a little. Stay strong friend!

8 Likes
#6

We all are suffering for the lost of our legend…try to read lpu posts, so you could find support with us…and hope that this will be a distraction too for your thoughts…You’re not alone!we care for each other…anyways if you need, continue to call the line because there are professionals there who could help you…See you around here!stay strong!

3 Likes
#7

I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’m also new around here and I wanted to send you a private message but I think either I’m not allowed yet because I’m new or it’s not possible. I’d like to chat with you via Skype but I don’t want to give my id here…

Ever since Chester died I thought there must be lots of people feeling this way, it’s the first time I’ve understood how suicide can be contagious… I’ve had suicidal thoughts for half my life but I never got why some people would kill themselves just because someone else did it. But now I get it…

Anyway, you should try to keep yourself busy and surrounded by people as much as you can these days and especially on the anniversary of your best friend’s death and Chester memorial day, because it will probably get bad. Have you talked to your therapist about it? Maybe he/she can help you.

Another thing, Is there anything that makes you feel better? Maybe doing some kind of exercise, drawing, playing an instrument, writing, watching movies… Even if at first you don’t feel like doing anything try to force yourself to do things and keep yourself distracted.

Something that always helps me is feeling useful. Joining a charitable organization in your area might be a good idea to keep yourself connected to people while you’re doing something good for others.

I hope it passes and you start feeling better soon.

6 Likes
#8

Sharing with you what I wrote.

chester poem
chester poem416×557 70.7 KB

10 Likes
#9

I am a brazilian guy. If my english bad… sorry. But this message you will understand and i hope to help u. Chester B., had a choyce that he thought was right. We have to respect. All We’re felling this pain too. But this battle was him. If u think now and send to him goog vibrations, he will to receive. And u too, because return to us too. We are one. Think that. The things are goodly, when we’re too… but its necessary you ouwn help and dedication. Ask to yourself (in relacion pf your cuts)… THIS HELP US… ME AND HE? the answer… NO. Because negative vibrations arrive too. Ches. He fell yet. Because we don’t dye. Only change our physical form. One day we’ll understand this. Meditation will help you. Listen your hearth’s voyce. Will help u too. I send good vib on this letter. Be Nice.
Thank you Ches for everything you do to us. Fell the good vibes that i send to u wherever u are. GOD, CRATIVE MIND, ARCHITECT OF ALL THINGS THAT WE KNOWS, BLESS U TODAY AND FOREVER AND EVER. WE STIILL LOVING WITH YOU. BLESSES, LIGHT AND PEACE.
Linkin Park band, we still loving you, thank you too for all. God bless you too. I’m a big fan since ypur start. And for the rest of my life. A strong hug to you all.

4 Likes
#10

My Skype is ukaknir and my name is Xavier so look for that when searching for me on there. Thank you very much for your reply. I wish I can think of more words to say on how much I appreciate your response.

1 Like
#11

I don’t know you,but if you need someone to talk to I am here.

2 Likes
#12

Thank you. Let me know if there’s a way we can contact each other.

#13

I have Facebook under ManriqueKylaBarrera or facebook messenger

#14

I sent you an email

#15

Unfortunately I have not received anything from you via email

#16

Hey there, first I like to thank you for your honesty and the trust that I can feel due to your words @painpaingoaway.

We all stand near together these days, no matter how long we are members here and we welcome you in our middle, you found the right place to be.

Chaz death was and still is this sureal that we all are trying to handle it- the best way we can.

Since he passed away- I feel him very near- almost nearer than when he was alive and this energy just is pushing me to go on, and one thing on my mind is nearly always: What would Chaz have thought about this… as a question on my mind- several times a day… in almost every situation - if I feel weak or lamed… I hear his voice in my mind this stopps me from sitting around in contemplation and from circle-thinking. His energy is with you too soldier, try to sense him and maybe with this knowledge, to be not alone - you can stopp your demons voices from telling you what to do, because Chaz sure would have said something like this:

You are wonderful and unique, you are worth to be loved and the life lays in front of you. Go and look what’s comming to you and take it with both hands…

Right now it is my post that is comming to you and if you answer we can go on in hearing him together :blush: STAY STRONG

7 Likes
#17

Look for me on Facebook ManriqueKylaBarrera

#18

ManriqueKylaBarrera is my Facebook or facebook messenger

#19

Go to the memorial, it’ll help with the isolation and being surrounded by others that understand how you feel. I can’t explain how it hit me so hard either. But try to get put s little bit. Even if it’s just to walk around your home. Make sure your honest with your therapist. And please don’t leave us❤

1 Like
#20

No problem!
I added you on Skype.

1 Like