Hey guys,
Sorry for being me,
all over again.
What a f*** up day.
And not even true.
The day was fine.
Yea, rained a lot.
But it wasn’t cold.
The sheep behaved as if I and the dogs weren’t gone for nearly five weeks. Which mean, they did, what we want.
I had a nap during lunch break and finished work at seven, right as it turned really dark.
So nothing to complain about the day.
Sigh.
But me.
Wow!
And I so didn’t expected this.
Yesterday, everything was fine.
Better then fine.
I felt relaxed and recovered, was happy to arrive at the farm and get such a warm welcome.
So no reason, non! for today!
To feel so … so …
Devastated.
Start weeping about some wrong words.
And not hurt weeping, but hate my self, don’t want to go on any more weeping.
Can’t stand myself, can’t see where from to take the strength.
Even turn my phone off, to not get caught.
Knowing even then, that the people who reach out to me, are the ones that keep me alive.
All the love I get.
From so many directions.
I can hurt myself.
In an wifi.
No problem there.
But I just can’t hurt others.
I can’t hurt you.
And I know what this would do.
So I fight through the day.
Fight to be honest.
How can I be honest with a turned off phone?
But I didn’t had it on, made this to everyone. Didn’t do the happy duty calls I have to make, like to my grandma.
And was honest to my boss wife. Even when it let me feel more unworthy and shitty.
How can I burden them with me?
Sigh.
So I fell asleep at nine.
Totally exhausted.
Not from work.
Just from being.
It’s half past one now.
Awake again.
Not sure where I am.
Maybe a little better?
Thank you vampire diaries?
Thank you!
Didn’t thought that much today.
Not sure about this Demon thing. I have already separated this devastated pain person so hard from the me I actually like and can live with. Don’t know if it wise to go further down this road.
Or if it’s not better to see the me in this too. See that this is also worth saving.
Sigh
Thank you all for your love!
And the poking.