Anxiety blog (feel free to talk here!)

#1

Okay, so someone mentioned I could make a new topic about anxiety if I felt the need to. At first I was like: no, that’s pathetic. But now I’m thinking it might help… So I might be deleting this topic in a few days if it doesn’t work out or it still feels pathetic.

A few days ago I felt the need to write. I was reading some things in Twitter and stuff and I felt the urge to explain what was going through my mind. So that’s what I did and it actually felt pretty good to write it down! You might recognize some things :wink: I used some quotes of other people that help me explain. Here it is:

My mental health

I am a real and pure optimist: I always see things in the most positive way! But… I have an anxiety disorder.

There are 5 major anxiety disorders:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Panic Disorder

Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Social Phobia (or social anxiety disorder)

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

I suffer from the last one, I have a Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Basicly this means that I have chronic anxiety. I worry the entire day about pretty much everything. It doesn’t take much for the anxiety to come up, sometimes it just happens, there is nothing to provoke it. I have good days too, it isn’t all bad. On the days I have to work (I’m a workaholic, so I always work hard) or when I am really busy with something, the thoughts don’t or barely come up. I’ll explain a little about the thoughts that cross my mind.

You know the cartoons where there is a small little devil that appears on a characters shoulder? Picture an anxiety as a small figure, standing on my shoulder.

When I wake up in de morning it starts talking: “yet another day to fill with epic failure, where to begin.”

When I’m looking in the mirror to put on some make up and brush my teeth and stuff: “whatever, you can stop trying, you’ll look like shit anyway.”

When I’m going downstairs: “you’re going to fall and break your neck.”

When I’m going to prepare breakfast (or lunch for work) and I grab a knife: “you’re going to cut yourself badly!”

When I get in my car or on my motorcycle: “you are going to get killed by some dumb ass driver.”

When I see neighbours, colleagues and even my friends: “you can act as nice as you want, he/she doesn’t like you. No one likes you.”

And so on and so on. My psychologist taught me how to convert these thoughts. But you can probably imagine that it takes a lot of energy to do so, because this goes on the entire day. It starts when I wake up and it ends when I’m finally asleep (which can take a while with all the thoughts that are going on…).

Most people who know me probably don’t even know that I have an anxiety disorder. Because you don’t see it on the outside. It’s all on the inside, inside my head. And because you can’t see if someone is suffering from an anxiety disorder, most people don’t understand what it is like. But we do need to talk about it. Compare it to someone with physical health issues.

Someone has back issues. He might think “Oh it hurts a little, I need to take it easy today.” Maybe it’s a bit worse then that “I think I should take some medicine, some painkillers.” Or it’s even worse and he thinks “it’s best of I go see a doctor, get checked up”.

The same works with mental health issues. When you feel physically okay, but you notice you aren’t okay in your mind you might think “I need to take it easy today.” Maybe it’s a bit worse then that “I think I should take some medicine.” Or it’s even worse and he thinks “it’s best of I go see a doctor, get checked up”.

You should take good care of yourself whether it’s about your mental health or your physical health. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

I only have to deal with the kind of thoughts that I described earlier. It used to be much worse, my anxiety disorder got me depressed. But I went to see a doctor and that was the best decision I could ever make. I got send to a psychologist who helped me get rid of the sharp edges of my anxiety: thinking I’d be better off dead. For many years, I used to think that it would be best if I just died. No one would miss me, no one would care. Ofc that is total BS, I know that now, but my anxiety disorder was standing on my shoulder. And it kept telling me that, every day, all day long. When you don’t know how to convert that, you will start believing that in the end.

Let me explain something. There are actually 2 types of suicide ideation: passive and active suicide ideation. Active suicide ideation is when you have thoughts of killing or harming yourself and have formulated a plan that you intend to carry out. I had passive suicidal ideation: I thought about suicide or harming myself, but I didnt had an actual plan to do so.

(NOTE: when someone does carry out his/her plan, please always say this person “died by suicide”. Only use the word “commit” when it’s about something criminal, sinful or immoral. Mental illness isn’t a sin, but a serious condition.)

So, as I was saying, I used to have more extreme thoughts going through my mind. But I figured I couldn’t keep on living like this and I got help. I was so tired of putting on a mask every day, pretending to be happy. Pretending everything was fine, that I was doing great.

Listening to all the demons who kept on telling me I was worthless, that it would be best of I just died. That costs a lot of energy… And then besides all that I had to put on a mask every day which also costs a LOT of energy… I just couldn’t keep it up. Eventually I think my parents noticed something was up and told me to go see a doctor. I was 16 or 17 back then. And as I said: that was the best decision I could make. I got rid of the extreme thoughts about dying (don’t get me wrong, they still pop up sometimes) thanks to EMDR therapy and because I talked about it.

The years after my first depression were better. But after about 8 years the anxiety got worse again. I couldn’t handle the thoughts I explained in the beginning. By the time this happend, I lived together with my boyfriend (who is now my husband). I noticed I wasn’t doing okay. I knew a psychologist helped me before so I figured I had to go see the doctor. I really didn’t want to, because going to a psychologist means you need to open up, talk about EVERYTHING that is going on in your life and all this just consumes all your energy… But I forced myself to go and the doctor send me to see a psychologist who is specialiced in depressions and anxiety disorders. This guy is a little odd, but he really knows what he is doing. I slowly kicked my second depression it’s ass and told it to never come back again! Ofc, I don’t know for sure it won’t ever come back to haunt me, but I’m trying hard to keep it as far away as possible. Now (a couple years later) I manage to keep on kicking anxiety’s ass by just letting him sit in my shoulder. I’m not fighting against him, cause I can’t win that fight. I let him be there, sitting on my shoulder. And I tell him every day that I don’t believe him :slight_smile: That costs less energy than battling in a fight you just can’t win.

The thoughts will never go away, and that is why it is SO important that people talk about mental health. People with physical illness need help, but people with mental illness need help as well. They might even need more help, just because you don’t see on the outside that there is something wrong.

How can you help someone with a mental illness? Here is what you definitly should NOT say:

  • There is nothing to worry about!
  • It’s just in your head.
  • Just take a deep breath and you’ll be fine.
  • Other people have it worse than you.
  • You’re just lazy.
  • You’re just bored, go make some plans.
  • Come on, cheer up!
  • Don’t be so negative all the time…
  • You are seeking attention.
  • Just relax.
  • You don’t look like you have anxiety.
  • It’s not that bad.
  • Get over it already.
  • Stop complaining…

How you CAN help:

  • Listen and (try to) understand.
  • Acknowledge that the thoughts exist. (You can ask if they are realistic)
  • Tell that you will always be there to talk to.
  • Be patient. The thoughts might go away for a little while, but they will return. So you might hear the same fears over and over again.
  • Ask how he/she is doing. When someone answers with “fine”, they actually aren’t. Keep that in mind.
  • Tell that you care. Tell him/her that he/she matters!

I might be an optimist, but that doens’t mean I’m always happy. Most of the time I’m not happy. But most of those times I do enjoy life. When I say I’m happy, I truly believe I am as happy as I could be on that moment. And I do feel like that sometimes :slight_smile: and I’ll never give up on those happy days, because those days are the best.

#fuckdepression
#fuckanxiety
#makechesterproud

21 Likes
#2

Don’t delete it - it just proves anxiety :slightly_smiling_face:

Don’t recognize it as pathethic - see above

4 Likes
#3

You actually can’t…unless you’re a mod… :laughing:
Anyway, you did well so there’s no need for it to be deleted…I think it’ll be very useful! :blush: :muscle: :hugs:

4 Likes
#4

I have anxiety and have signs of depression so if want someone to talk to about these thoughts I will be here
@birdy1989 it is very brave for making this theard and thank you for your trust to tell us what’s going on
And what ever you’re going though someone will always be there to listen to what you have to say. Because we care about you because really family

5 Likes
#5

Thank you so much for your bravery to share your story with us!

I’m only here for a few days, but I think it is the right place for that.

Linkin Park shared with us for eighteen years.

Wish you all the Strength. Keep up fighting.

You’re not alone!

5 Likes
#6

Thanks everyone :smile:
@StephLP18 of you ever want to talk, just let me know :blush:
#LPFamily :heart_eyes: :smiley:

4 Likes
#7

Finding a way to live with it

The hardest part of living with an Anxiety Disorder, to me, is how to keep it hidden from people you don’t want to know. My friends all know, but I don’t want my colleagues to know. Some do know I have an anxiety disorder, but they don’t know in what way it is controlling my life. And I don’t want my boss to consider on firing me or something. Because it normally doesn’t affect me in my work. I am a classic workaholic and when I’m at work I normally don’t have any anxiety’s (or maybe just a few…). But I’m scared that they will think it does and that that will cause me to lose my job… This might just be another anxiety tho…

The daily struggle with my anxiety consumes energy. But I keep on finding ways to keep the thoughts away. One of the biggest ways to shut anxiety’s mouth (for me) is music. I’ve always listened to music a lot, but it was ALWAYS LP music. At one point I started to notice the differences in my emotions when I listen to it. I found out that when I’m feeling a little off, down, sad etc. I shouldn’t be listening to LP, cause that made it worse. Instead, when I listened to dance music, happy tunes and stuff, it would make me feel a bit better and the anxiety thoughts stayed away!
When I feel totally worse than that, LP music would help me because it made me let go of my emotions. I would get pissed off, angry or it would just made me cry. But that would make me feel better, and again, the anxiety thoughts stayed away.
When I’m having a really good day I can listen to anything. So most of the time I choose for LP music or the PT album.
When I listen to music and do something in between, like taking a walk outside or do a puzzle, I don’t give the little anxiety monster on my shoulder the chance of talking to me. Well, it sometimes manages to talk to me, but I just tell him to shut up, cause I don’t believe him :slight_smile: I also listen to music when I go to sleep, so I won’t think to much about the thoughts that cross my mind. My husband turns the music off when he goes to bed. Or when he is running late, he shuts down Spotify on my phone by opening it on his phone :yum:

So, to the people who also suffer from anxiety’s, go find out to what music you can and can’t listen to with the different kind of moods you struggle with. Once you find that out, it might help you, the way it helps me.

My Spotify playlists:
On dark days

  • Linkin Park (any playlist, I have my own)

On regular bad days

  • 360 dance
  • Happy tunes
  • Breaks and funk by Mike Shinoda

On good days

  • anything!! But I prefer:
  • Linkin Park
  • Fort Minor
  • Mike Shinoda
  • Breadcrumbs by Mike Shinoda
  • This is Grandson

These are the playlists I listen to these days. But in a few weeks you might find a hardcore or SOAD playlist in my recently played list. I listen to almost everything :blush:

I hope tips like these will help some people. If it would only help 1 person it would be enough if you ask me. Tho I wish I could tell my story to the world, without the fear of being judged or losing my job or something… Maybe one day… :blush:

For now, my day is pretty good, so I’m listening to my LP playlist! :muscle:t2: :yellow_heart:

8 Likes
#8

Started to hate Thursday

Okay, so for the past 2 or 3 months, Thursday was the worst day of the week.

On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I work. I’m a teacher and just being there in my class, with my kids (23 at this point, age 4-6) makes me happy. Since I’m a workaholic, I just keep on working and being busy and all, I don’t give my anxiety disorder much of a chance to throw me off my feet. But then it’s Thursday, I wake up and that’s the first day it gets a really good opportunity to mess with me. It’s like it just saves everything up on the first 3 days and it explodes in my face on Thursday morning. So for the last couple of months I became to fear Thursday. I’d be lying in bed on Wednesday evening thinking: omg, tomorrow is Thursday again, why can’t I just skip that day…

BUT!!!
This morning was the first Thursday morning without an explosion :blush: I don’t know if I’m finally making some progress, if opening up to you guys is helping me, if the support I get from you guys is helping me, if trying to let go on some personal stuff is doing the trick… But I’m betting that it is just all of the above :smile: so I just want to thank you all for being there, for helping. Not only helping me, but helping everyone here who needs it. Just, thank you so much :smiley: I love you guys!

9 Likes
#9

Awwww!! dear sis we love you toooo! :blush: :sun_with_face: :sun_with_face: :heart: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Happy to hear about your progress!! :muscle: :muscle: :muscle:
Special reward for you :blush: : special sunshiny powerful warm hugs!! :sun_with_face: :heart: :hugs: :sun_with_face: :heart: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

0000g

6 Likes
#10

So, I’m at a birthday. My husband is working and I actually didn’t want to go, because I always get thoughts like “nobody likes you”, "they are staring at you. You are weird ". And stuff like that. Lucky for me: a friend who knows about my anxiety disorder saw how lost and uncomfortable I looked and she came standing next to me :yellow_heart: I’ve been talking to people for a couple hours now, but now it’s happening again, so I’d figure to tell you guys, cause I know you are always here :blush: I don’t know what to do right now… Hope my husband will be here soon

2 Likes
#11

Don’t mind the people there! Let them staring as they want! :muscle: the opinion of people doesn’t matter :wink:
And yeah we’re here and we’ll try to keep you company till your husband arrival :blush: :hugs: :hugs:

3 Likes
#12

I agree with @lpfan61 ! We are here for you :blush::hugs:

3 Likes
#13

Agree. With @lpfan61 we are family and we will be here for you, sending you strength

3 Likes
#14

Thanks all :smile:
Right after I posted it someone, who has been looking at me a little weird since she came in, came to me and she was like: omg, I didn’t recognize you, did you lose weight? :joy: and I was like: that’s why people looked a little weird at me :joy::joy: so it turned out to be a fun night AND my husband was there sooner then expected!

5 Likes
#15

Generally people don’t keep looking at you or thinking that you are weird. They deal with their own stuff and they forget you exist the moment they turn back.

(That’s what I realize. But I sometimes I’m worried that people may think I’m silly or weird especially after I make faux pas. Even here).

2 Likes
#16

Yes I have the same. My psychologist explained as well that people don’t look at you like you’re weird, it’s just an anxiety. So I keep telling myself that when that happens, but it costs a lot of energy to believe that.

1 Like
#17

Just dropped in to ask how your Valentine’s Thursday is

2 Likes
#18

Thanks that’s so sweet :yellow_heart:
My Valentine Thursday started pretty good, thank you :blush: my husband has to work today so we won’t be doing much, but he bought me something nice last weekend, in advance.
How is your Valentine Thursday @anomalia?
And how is everyone else his/her (Valentine) day? Even if you’re single, hope you all have a lovely day :kissing_heart:

1 Like
#19

Mine is something like this:

Thx :slight_smile:

2 Likes
#20

Nice to meet you warrior!

Here’s a warrior who not only survived the battlefield but also turned around to warn and protect others!
Here’s a warrior who really discovered how it is that one can save themselves.

I am a hard enduro racer and depression is a lot like it.
It is the hardest terrain imaginable and once it gets really tough it is actually pointless to push your own bike up the hill so you realize then that your key to make it is to help and be helped.
@birdy1989 had to go through all that so she can take a look at how many it is that are also suffering and her heart cannot live free until she feels others surviving it as well.

I had my own dive into depression and taught me the lessons above but all of us had the hands of LP driving us out and now we owe it to them to help others.

My dear @birdy1989 and others, i have good news and bad news and i am not asking you, the bad news comes first.

In my dive in depression i realized something… darkness is conscious and wants to see us fall.
when you are suffering from any mental condition you need to face it and not turn away
if you turn away it grows bigger and soon after, the unexplored places in our heads start taking over because they become more than the places we care to shed light to.

But what happens to a dark room once a small light is lit?
how much does it take then? a full army of lights?
all you need is to shed a little light and the darkness goes away.

What we read above can be considered @birdy1989’s sword against it! (a light saber if you will)
and the good news is that in the spiritual battle ahead, purposed to hit our hearts with despair,
a warrior does not only hold a sword.
they are the sword and this is why they are being hammered down as all swords need in order to be shaped

He/she is equipped with other “shinny stuff” that change the game!


remember, there’s nothing better to sharpen a blade than a Rock!
You will know what this means “in time”
Rest assured, i am not making videos out of beliefs
but of experience and the same responsibility in my heart that @birdy1989 has.
Once you make it ashore a truth from a river of lies, it becomes your job to turn around and pull more from their own wreckage.

My depression threw me into a group of depressed so i could try helping them instead since i could not save my cousin from suicide nor my self from the impact that had.
I didn’t know i was too falling from a great height. i thought i joined to help…
But i got held up by two little girls who appreciated my insight and empathy and drew my name on papers which gave me ONE reason to be around as a heart that always cared but never received care.
the reason was to help others see the war as well!

Then, i turned to the one book that talks about it. no other book does.
but it happened in the sequence described, not the other way around
that’s why, i too, owe to friends to share the findings!

3 Likes