What can I do ? Help me!

[callmeanne]

Hi guys !

I’m here since two-three weeks and sometimes I see people writing about their lives, about their pbm etc… And I wanted to ask you something because I think my friends don’t understand, but you may will.

Well, in my class, there is a girl, and she seems not well at all. She doesn’t speak with the others (except her boyfriend), and nobody knows her name.
I think… In my life, I had never seen someone looking as bad… just by seeing her, we know she doesn’t feel good.
I told myself I had to help her, but I hesitate, and that’s the reason why I’m writing here.

How can I do to speak with her ? To show her that people carry, and not only her bf ?
She’s everytime with her boyfriend so I don’t want so much to approach her because I’ll be seen like intrusive.
I don’t know how to approach her because I don’t know her at all, and so she can be reluctant…
I dooooooon’t even know if it is a good idea to try to help her because nothing links us (well, I’m hoping she loves LP too!).

And then… I wanted to know your opinions about that : What can I do to help this person ?
Thanks a lot !
Have a nice day

(and sorry for my english, I’m French, argh)

[neeksnz]

Hey @callmeanne! Welcome to the forum and your english is fine, it all makes sense!

It’s hard to say what to do. She maybe doesn’t talk to others because she fears being judged. If she is obviously unwell, it may be something she doesn’t want to talk about - and avoids people so she doesn’t have to. Or it may be she’s just shy. Or it may be she doesn’t want help - but she’d appreciate a friend.

You could try asking them both if want to catch up for a coffee or something after class? She might feel more secure with her bf around.
Or is there a class you share with a project coming up that you could try and figure out a way to work on it together with her?

Remember don’t force your help on her - she may not want help - but I’m sure she’d appreciate a friend.

Others here will definitely have some good ideas…so watch this space.

[hilaryfol]

@callmeanne You can always walk up to her and ask her name ask how she doing and tell her that you are there for her if she needs to talk. But it going to take time to get to know her. Just speck form your heart .

[framos1792]

I agree that maybe not go in too quickly
To me it sounds like maybe she has a condition with which she is dealing with, maybe her bf is in on it and knows what is happening but it’s easier to stay away from people than to explain
Just a guess…
Do what you feel is appropriate, maybe if the bf is more approachable, start by asking him by showing you’re worried
Best wishes and happy a kind heart like you is here

[the_termin8r]

I’d say that you should interact with her and try to see if you can get a friendship going. But don’t force yourself in. Once you think you know each other better you can afford to do some gentle prodding.

[Lilyope]

Tu ne connais pas son prénom quand les profs font l’appel? Tu pourrais connaître son nom à ce moment.

Après je suis d’accord avec @neeksnz, la parfaite occasion pour mieux la connaître et pouvoir l’aider serait de travailler ensemble sur un projet scolaire.

Je pense pas que ce soit une bonne idée de l’aborder dans l’optique de résoudre son problème. À mon avis il vaut mieux tenter de mieux la connaître et ensuite peut être que tu comprendras ce qui ne va pas et tu pourras l’aider.

Peut être qu’elle est mal parce que personne à part son petit ami ne lui adresse la parole.

English translation :
Your teachers don’t do the roll call? Maybe you can try to memorise her name at this time.

I agree with @neeksnz, the best time to begin talking with her is through a common school project, because it’s the most logic/natural way in this context.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to approach her with a view to talking about her personal issues. In my opinion, you’d better trying to know her in a general way and then maybe you could understand what’s going wrong and how helping her properly.

Maybe she feels bad because nobody except her bf is concerned for her and talk to her.

[kiki868]

You took the words right out of my mouth!

@callmeanne don’t Force your help on her, just try to approach her as a new friend!

[callmeanne]

Thank you all for your anwsers!

I was prepared to wait a long time. For sure, if I go at her and ask her for her pbm, it will never help, and she’s gonna flee me

@Lilyope, teachers don’t call us, we write our names on a paper (and I never thought about looking at her name -_-, anyway, it gives me a reason to ask her)

@neeksnz, it can be a good idea to work with her… but she’s everytime with her bf so no chance to be with her.
Btw, being with her and her bf could be something, he’s very nice, but he speaks everytime for her so if I want to know her…

Well… I may be try to approach her at first as a friend and will see what happens after!

[callmeanne]

Hey guys !

Here are some news about the situation !
At first, thank you all again for your help about it

Finally, some people of my class came to her at first, so I’m happy she can speak with other people than her bf. Thanks to that she’s more opened to speak with others. She’s still shy, but the times I spoke with her she seemed to be really kind, opened… and sad.
I don’t consider I’m her friend so I can’t give her advices, but things she told me were like an opening to tell her nice and reassuring words.
Moreover, now she has her friends group, she hesitates between them and her bf (both “groups” don’t like each others)… So I think that distant people can give her a sort of “minds liberty” about this.
Sometimes I come to her in order to speak with her, and other times she does the same. I think one day I’ll offer her a coffee or a cookie

[rickvanmeijel]

We need more people like you in this world

[theearlywalker]

Found this thread today and I’m melting

[callmeanne]

I’m a LP soldier and my duty is to help my close one Everyone can do this, nothing is impossible

[callmeanne]

Also, today I put LP’s album for one of my friend ; he listened to it for the first time and LIKES IT SO MUCH ! So happy for him

that was the day : I can make good things in my life

[rickvanmeijel]

True, it’s just that I don’t see this kindness enough from people. Myself included

[callmeanne]

Re-hello for the third time about that story !

I always think about posting news here because your anwsers helped me so much guys, like, you deserve to know the way that situation goes on now thanks to your advices.
That’s incredible that last time, the update was about “I’ll offer her a cooffee or a cookie”.
This year, I was in her bf’s class, and as she’s always with him and me too, it gets easier to speak with her.
As I became more “private” with her bf, I did with her too (less, ofc), and sometimes I’m with her when he’s not here (that’s really incredible bcs it seems to never happen). During all the year, it became really a habit to be near to her, going back home with her (we’re at the same building), even without speaking sometimes.

I still don’t think I’m her friend, more an acquaintance becoming a friend, maybe.

She came at some parties we did when there was her bf, and this week we did others with my friends. Her boyfriend is not here for a time so I asked her if she wanted to come and she fkn DID IT, twice !!! She’s really including herself in our little group by coming and that’s pretty cool I think, because she’s here because she’s her and not her bf’s girlfriend.
Some days ago she asked me to go to the pride with her (I think I’ll never understand why the hell she asked especially to me as I’m not directly her friend), and today we went together, to sing and dance and to hurt our feet in the streets.
We do not really speak about “how do you feel”, it’s mostly about life facts, or silence, some kind of silence we need, I think.

Here are the news !
I’m leaving this university soon so idk if I’ll see her again, but I’ll try to speak with her sometimes by messages, we’ll see : I really think it helps her to understand that she’s not only “the one with her boyfriend”, but also “the one which is her”.
I wondered if I would arrive to offer her coffee or cookie, she offered me beeeeeeeers and food, that’s a pretty cool completion.

I thank you again for the messages you posted one year and a half ago, they resonated in my head as far as they could until they became real.
You are really parts of at least a little sunshine of happiness in lives without knowing