“Chester.” It was a nickname of mine since middle school. A long time fan since the age of 10, it wasn’t long until I was obsessed with Chester Bennington and Linkin Park, only if you consider wearing a fake lip ring and drawing flames on my wrists “obsessive.” As an adolescent whose favorite musicians were Soundgarden, Usher, Backstreet Boys and Orgy in a time where I was finding my own musical identity, Linkin Park’s fusion of rock, hip hop, pop and electronica was everything I needed in my life. To say that Chester had an impact on my life is a complete understatement. He was my idol. He shaped me as a person. His music, actions, motivations, friendships, lyrics, personality…I was so infatuated with everything he did.
The first time I saw them in concert was in 2004 with my brother, Matt, his friend, Brent, and my bestie, Elise at Projekt Revolution, the first stop of that tour (thanks for buying us those tickets, Jenny). The entire festival was so dope and I was so excited about every part of it. “Wow! They like video games, too!? Wow, they like baseball, too!?! Wow, I get to see Snoop Dogg, The Used, and Korn on the same bill!? This is amazing!” It was a dream come true and checked off all of the genres I’d ever want to see in a show. When Chester forgot the lyrics to “Wish” by Nine Inch Nails and he got mad at himself on stage, my heart sank for him. I always empathized with him.
I joined the Linkin Park Underground when I was 14 years old and it brought a community to me when I felt alone and detached from my friends outside of school. I’ve made lifelong friends in a forum of people who also loved Linkin Park and had similar interests and experiences, many of them I still have never met, but keep in touch with. Weekends meant long nights in the Linkin Park Underground chat, talking about all things Linkin Park or even anything going on in our lives. Linkin Park was such a personal band that cared about their fans, often joining the chat room out of the blue just to say “hey!” and to answer a few questions. It wasn’t until the later years when they really blew up that chats had to be scheduled to minimize the calamity.
In 2008, I saw their Projekt Revolution tour yet again with my friends, Mike and Amber. Finally an adult, this was the first concert I made the decision to go to and independently bought tickets and went with my friends. This is where I was blessed to see Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington on stage together live in person. It was bliss to see my vocal heroes on stage together, the friends they were. I remember how amazing Chester sounded that night and how amazed I was that he sounded even better than the first time I saw them live. It was a perfect day.
After moving to Las Vegas in 2010, I felt a bit displaced. After only being there for less than a year, I wanted desperately to see Linkin Park in concert in 2011. I knew Cash had no interest in seeing them live, but he said “Just buy two tickets and take someone with you.” So, I did. My neighbor, Jenny, who I had only known a little and we had only chatted a few times about the awesome music they blasted out of their house during the day on the weekends. I took a shot in the dark to see if she’d want to see Linkin Park with me, not realizing how deep of a friendship it’d solidify between the two of us. She agreed, being a huge fan herself. The day then came where I received the email from the Linkin Park Underground that I had been chosen to meet Linkin Park before the concert on the day of the show. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! I was so overwhelmed with excitement, but depressed as Chester had to cancel the previous two weeks of shows due to an illness, I knew mine would be cancelled as well…but, alas! He was well enough to start singing and performing again just in time for my Vegas show! I was so nervous before the Meet & Greet that I couldn’t stop gabbing to the LPUers around me, I almost went hoarse before I even met the band. I won’t bore you with everything that went on with the rest of the band members, but I knew that when I met Chester, all I wanted to say is “Hi, I’m Jessica. It is an HONOR to meet you. I’m a HUGE fan.” He was so kind, but I didn’t want to chat him up for too long because I knew he just got over an illness. I wanted him to save his voice for the show. I talked with Mike Shinoda who was sitting right next to him. He goes to sign my LPU 2.0 t-shirt (by that point we were in LPU X) and says “Man…this is an old one, isn’t it?” and I go “Yeah, it only took me 8 years to FINALLY meet you guys. sarcasm” and Chester laughed out loud at my sarcasm. The guys were pretty notorious for their sarcastic sense of humor, so I just felt so touched that I was able to make Chester laugh. :’( After meeting the band and getting the group photo with them, I felt in utter bliss like I had no idea what the highest purpose of my life was anymore. Like I had reached my pinnacle goal and just went “Now what?” Soon after, the concert began and my friend, Jenny, openly wept at being so excited to see them in concert. I felt so elated to share that experience with her.
Two years later, Linkin Park toured through Vegas again. Fresh after releasing “Living Things,” an album I fell deeply in love with instantly. I could not pass up the opportunity to see them live once more. Sadly, this would be the last time I ever got to see Chester Bennington perform on stage. Of course Jenny went with me and we had a BLAST! We even tried to find their tour bus after the show to see if we’d “run into the guys.” Unfortunately, the security guards found us and we told them we couldn’t find the entrance to the parking garage. Lol! I’m sure they’ve heard that one before.
It’s been a full day since I’ve been able to listen to their music. I cried all day yesterday and then some today. I finally listened to the first four songs of Hybrid Theory. The first two songs, I couldn’t sing a single word. The wind was knocked out of me like a punch to the gut. “With You” came on and I used everything I had to sing that chorus, a chorus that I was singing to Chester. “It’s true the way I feel / Was promised by your face / The sound of your voice / Painted on my memories / Even if you’re not with me / I’m with you” I couldn’t get through it without tears. How do you find your voice and sing again when the person who inspired your passion the most is gone? I even tried to sing a random non-Linkin Park song with Cash yesterday and I couldn’t do it without thinking of Chester. To think that my favorite musical voices are gone from this world and will never create another song to inspire me to break out my guitar or write down a lyric is terrifying. Will I one day grow bored of the music they’ve left behind? Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington are gone, the two artists who I, without a doubt, aspired to sing just like. They were musical greatness that I only ever dreamed of achieving. I cannot think of another living being who inspires me the way they always have and it just makes me feel so alone and broken. I know this tribute to Chester is long and almost seems monotonous, but I am just so lost that I could only think to write about the experiences I’ve had relating to him. I can’t quite collect my thoughts in a way that feels right or seems meaningful and enough to capture how I’m really feeling, but damn this hurts.
To his band, I can only imagine a molecule of the pain they are feeling. I can’t help but think about Mike Shinoda, his counterpart and hope that he will find solace someway, somehow, in due time. I hope that he will be able to perform music again without being devastated by the loss of his best friend because I hope I can perform again, too. The rest of his band and family and friends are obviously hurting as well. The whole world is reeling in pain from his loss and I just wish he could’ve seen what he meant to almost everyone (or at least it seems like almost everyone). He was too young, too present, too goofy, too giving, too talented…those are reasons it hurts so much. I have no idea how Linkin Park will ever bounce back from this. I can’t think of a soul that could even attempt to fill Chester’s place. I hope this isn’t the end for Linkin Park, I know Chester wouldn’t want that.
“When my time comes / Forget the wrong that I’ve done / Help me leave behind some / Reasons to be missed / And don’t resent me / And when you’re feeling empty / Keep me in your memory / Leave out all the rest / Leave out all the rest.”
God rest your soul, my muse. You will always have a part of my heart, Chester.