Awake again an fit for the fight of live, angry? not right now, but the day will be long see ya later angerbuddies 
Hi, I hope you don’t find this inappropriate… No one has to read… it is quite long…
I’m glad for any thoughts, though.
I’m more scared and afraid than angry but I didn’t find a better place… sorry… and I’m angry at myself.
So… I don’t know what to do. I signed up for something I don’t really want to do… or really don’t want to do. In January.
The thing I signed up for is the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Training. That is the education you have to do in order to become a psychotherapist in germany. The thing is, I never wanted to become a psychotherapist, I have always been sure about this.
Currently I work in science/research. Last year in October or November the women for research strategies and something at the institute I work at gave a talk where she presented a figure that said, that only (less than) 0.1% of ppl WITH Phd are going to make it in science. (I don’t have a Phd yet, so from that the figure should be worse for me.) However, I did some research 
and found that the real numbers are probably not THAT bad, but still not exactly hopeful.
So, because I thought/think/thought/think/don’t know what I am thinking/am totally confused
about what I want… I wrote an application for the “become a psychotherapist training”.
You have to go through a selection process, but they – unfortunately – chose me. I for a while could not decide if I would sign the contract or not, but I finally signed. Might have been one of the really bad decisions in my life.
I mean, I knew, always, always, that I never wanted to become a psychotherapist, that this isn’t for me, why do I think this does possibly change?
I try to convince myself every day (and night) that I can possibly do it, and there are arguments… like: even computer programs are not that bad, if I just learn really carefully how to respond to which situation, like a dictionary, this might work? Patients says A, respond B. Patients say C, respond D. But I’m not convinced. This can’t work… I can’t learn everything… And there is so much I won’t know!!
I really don’t know what to do now. I rarely sleep since February, bc I can’t decide what to do. Maybe I should write them, that I don’t want to do it anymore. (It is 5 years and it is very expensive, so I will have less than no money for more than 5 years… but that’s not the MAIN problem… bc if I wanted it it might be worth it).
The training starts in October and I’m so SCARED of it. Really, I don’t know what to do. I wanted to write them long ago, but then I was scared that they would be mean to me, because I mean, I sighed the contract after all… so I can’t
really say I don’t want to do it now (or I don’t know if it is possible, maybe it is, but I’m scared to ask). So I’m procrastinating the mail from one day to the other… planning to write it and not writing it… and then I’m thinking… maybe I should at least try to start the training? Maybe I should? A lot of people are saying it is possible (bc being a therapist is not so much about empathy but about “teaching” the patient or giving him new ideas)? (A lot of people are also saying it takes all of you if you really want it… I can’t say that of me.)
What do you think? I don’t know. Of course if I put 20 hours (or more, because traveling takes time too) each week into that) I have less time for research so that decreases my changes for a career in research… What do I do…?
(I forgot to mention the plus site: It is safe. IF you manage to survive the training, you have a pretty safe job. For obvious reasons. (But then, a job in research should be save for the same reasons but isn’t.)).
Summary: I’m sure I don’t want it (kind of). I’m scared to say that I don’t want it bc I signed the contract and I don’t know if that is possible now. It might be, that I’m able, to somehow survive the training, but I’m not at all sure about that.
If I survived I had at least a possibility of a save job. But I have difficulties estimating the chances of that and at the same time doing the training would reduce the chance to make a career in science.
Sorry if I bothered anyone!!
If I could give you virtual hug I would! I totally know that feeling. I had bottled up emotions about my classmates which totally relates to your story. Truly sorry your mom is going through that dry spell with your dad. You can learn from their mistakes, which is the only sliver lining I could tell you. 
I’m angry 
that I have to tread on eggshells for the time being until I get more experience for something I studied for long and hard for almost 6 years. 
And only having to find out that student loans do not pay for themselves. 
College is truly a soul/money sucking industry. 
Being silent is a great way to let someone know they did something wrong…
Don’t you just love it when you help others with whatever it is they need help with, yet when you are in need of help yourself those people just leave you hanging? It’s just great to realize once again that you can’t depend on anyone, not even family or friends. They only come to you when they need you, when you can offer them something nice. But when you are in need, those same people are suddenly nowhere to be found and some even have the guts to become angry at you for bothering them about it.
Bah…
@The_early_walker & the others,
I somehow never receive those PM messages you guys send me. My account on the LP site doesn’t allow it. So I’m sorry for not responding/reading whatever you PM me. I simply cant’t. I’m confused… What’s this about wanting to stop with the LP forum and Once Upon A Time stories?
I think you should go with the research thing that you originally planned. Atleast that way, you will be happy with yourself. Job security is a good thing, but to kill yourself little by little doing something you hate is no big deal. Also, it would be advisable to take views from someone from your peers in the industry. That will clarify things better.
All the best with whatever you decide 
@amitrish Thank you. I finally wrote them an e-mail now (asking if it is possible to get out of the contract, because I don’t know if it is… but it might be that they have other interests for the place who would be much more happy with it then I am). I hope it was the right thing to do. I can’t check my mail now.
A lot of people are saying you should only do it, when you really want it 1000% and that 100% is not enough. (I don’t even want it 100%, obviously.) But then there are a lot of other people who are doing it for savety reasons aswell (and don’t want it 100%… but they still might be at a better place than I am).
And I am/was worried a lot if COULD do it. But then there are a lot of people who say you just learn it like everything else. I don’t know. Of course you have to learn a lot, but there are a lot of things I just don’t know.
I hope they say I can get out. At leat I wrote that mail now, finally…
@Gatsie (Sorry my direct reply somehow does not work.) Yes, I’ve often noticed the same. Do you want to tell about the situation in which they let you down? I don’t know, maybe it helps you a little… and maybe you get some suggestions here.
edit: Ok, now the reply worked, but before it didn’t and I don’t know why.
I got the same prob, it was kind of update things, I followed the advice in the internal error note and wrote email to the adresse give., put your local net like .de .uk etc. at the end , mine works again there and it works again! I think the HQ, lulu and Lorenzo are so cool that they would contact us, if it isn´t fitting what we are creating!!! hug 
Im angry, cause my boss is bossing me…
In response to your issue: I can totally relate to this. In the sense of doing a job that you really don’t like. Finding a job here in my country is quite a job on its own. Finding one you actually like is even more tricky.
And so I’ve enrolled myself into a job as telemarketeer. You know; The kind of people that will call you at any given hour of the day to try and shove products you don’t want down your throat. Well, needless to say; I hate it. I hate forcing a smile during every conversation and luring innocent people, mostly elderly people, into the web of bogus subscriptions. I actually feel worse and worse after each sale I make.
But. I’ve signed a contract for a year. But I really wanted to get out. And so I decided to just suck at my job as best as possible. Which was quite easy, actually. To just not try and sell those products anymore. And I’ve been doing that for a week now. Today I got fired because of it.
About my other situations… Wow this is getting longer than I intended it to be but while I’m writing I might as well go on, I guess…
It might be a bit silly of me, but I’m kind of disappointed in my friends at this moment.
The thing is… I’ve found a new house to rent. I now live in an apartment but am going to move to a house with a garden. I am really thrilled about it. Now that I’m jobless I do have the stress of finding a new job ASAP to be able to continue moving into the new place. But I’ve saved up money for situations like this, plus I don’t live alone I’m living with a relative so financially it won’t be a problem.
When I told my friends about this big news, I didn’t really get the response I expected. Some were very negative. And when I asked them if they could help me out in the upcoming weeks to move my things, none of them said they would help.
I’m not the type of person who will ask for help easily. So when I do, it’s because I could really use the help. I’ve already prepared myself to hire people to help me carry the heavy stuff from my old house to my new house. But when my friends simply blow me off when I turn to them for a little help, some even got angry at me for having the nerve to ask! Well… that kind of… Well that just sucks, really.
To top it off, those same people had the nerve to ask me to come and help them renovate a room and fix their computer… I would’ve said yes on other times but I’m a bit fed up with them… But now I said no. And now they are mad at me for not helping them out. Go figure.
That’s great that they helped you fix it! Hooray for the LPU HQ 
I hate when a boss bosses people around too.
seems to bean interational problem, taking, taking taking vand at the littles situation they go in the victim position like they make it so perfect, in the end (god save nowere days never so often) you feel you´re the ass…le damn them
@Gastie: “I can totally relate to this. In the sense of doing a job that you really don’t like.”
Yes… there are a lot of thigs that bother me in science as well… but I can’t describe that now… a bit similar to the things you described… but the prospect of being a psychotherapist is just 100 times worse and at least I like the concept of science… theoretically…
"Finding a job here in my country is quite a job on its own. Finding one you actually like is even more tricky. "
Yes, I know that there are a lot of countries where it is unfortunatly like this. May I ask where you live? (Just out of interest.)
"And so I’ve enrolled myself into a job as telemarketeer. You know;
The kind of people that will call you at any given hour of the day to
try and shove products you don’t want down your throat. Well, needless
to say; I hate it. I hate forcing a smile during every conversation and
luring innocent people, mostly elderly people, into the web of bogus
subscriptions. I actually feel worse and worse after each sale I make. "
Yes, I understand very well, that this is not the kind of job you want to do.
"But. I’ve signed a contract for a year. But I really wanted to get
out. And so I decided to just suck at my job as best as possible. Which
was quite easy, actually. To just not try and sell those products
anymore. And I’ve been doing that for a week now. Today I got fired
because of it. "
How do you feel with that? Better?
"The thing is… I’ve found a new house to rent. I now live in an
apartment but am going to move to a house with a garden. I am really
thrilled about it. Now that I’m jobless I do have the stress of finding a
new job ASAP to be able to continue moving into the new place. But I’ve
saved up money for situations like this, plus I don’t live alone I’m
living with a relative so financially it won’t be a problem.
When I told my friends about this big news, I didn’t really get the
response I expected. Some were very negative. "
Why that? They should be happy for you, that you found a better place to live!!
"And when I asked them if
they could help me out in the upcoming weeks to move my things, none of
them said they would help. "
Oh, that sucks!
“I’m not the type of person who will ask for help easily. So when I
do, it’s because I could really use the help. I’ve already prepared
myself to hire people to help me carry the heavy stuff from my old house
to my new house. But when my friends simply blow me off when I turn to
them for a little help, some even got angry at me for having the nerve
to ask! Well… that kind of… Well that just sucks, really.”
Yes, that sucks a lot. They just want something from you (the renovation and computer help) but are not willing to give something back. I don’t understand such friends. I don’t know if they are not thinking, because if they were, they should be able to figure out that there is something going wrong, or what is wrong with them…
@The_early_walker Some people just lame indeed 
@Tweek Wow, thanks for responding to my ongoing blabla. Haha. Getting fired isn’t the best thing, but I’m glad I don’t have to work there anymore and hope to find something else really fast. I’m from Holland.
@Gatsie : I wish I could have replied better, i.e. with some advice. I hope you find a better job soon. What kind of job are you looking for? And your friends… I really don’t know what to say to them, but I know these kinds of “friends”. They are just friends as long as they get something from you…
At this moment, even a job like working in a factory or something would be better than telemarketing 
Though I am kind of hoping to find a job in customer service.
They say you learn who you’re real friends are when you’re in time of need. I’ve decided to just not talk to them for a while, saves a lot of drama 
-
Why do I have that stupid nervous look on my face when I try to flirt with a girl… surprisingly ppl find me fun to hangout with wen i am not trying to flirt.
-
I am effin 28
and soon will be in my 30s. somebody stop the time as I need time to THINK about the insanely awesome things I can do in my 20s ( thats right I am so lazy.,i will put garfield to shame ) -
Why doesnt Costa give me free coffee for a lifetime membership eventhough I have been buying their expensive coffee religously for more than a year.
…to be continued 