Need to talk with someone

#1

First of all sorry for my English, i tried to study for years, also in foreign countries but when it’s time to talk or write I always have problems with it…

I’d like to introduce myself, my name is Alessandra, I’m 32 years old and I live in Turin, Italy.

I’m writing here just because I need to share with someone what’s going on through my mind…

1 year ago, after Chester passed away, I realized that maybe something’s going wrong… but when I try to talk with my family or friends, they always says that I’m creating problems where there’s not…
I think that I’m born like this, I don’t know but, since I can rember, I’ve always felt sadness inside of me, it’s like I never feel satisfied… then I lost 2 important friend when I was 18, one for suicide, one for a car accident, the same year my bestfriend’s father got murdered…
I used to live in Sardinia with my family (1000 km and the Mediterranean of distance from where I live now), the same year I graduated in high school and i decided to go to the university here in Turin, so I left my family and I came here, young and all alone… my family is kind of poor, so I had to work to can go on with the university… i started to have no more time to study cause of the work… so I had to quit the university…
By that time I felt so sad that I started to phisically hurt myself, it was like the only way to feel alive… then I fell in love…
For 6 years I ignored my sadness cause I was in love… he used to cheating me… but as I was blind, I’ve always believed on him when he camed back telling me he was sorry…
We took home togheter, I spent all my money (and over)for that house, and after 3 months he’s gone away with another girl…
I stopped eating and started to drink 2 bottles of tequila per day… (also in the shower)…
I met a girl, a colleague, that by that time broke up with her girlfriend and was homeless, so I decided to let her stay in my house till she get her own house…
I think she is definitely my best friend, as she helped me with my alcohol and food problems, I’ll always be grateful…
That was 4 years ago…
Now I live alone, I have a dog that I love so much, and I think it’s the only reason that keeps me here…
I’m back with my sadness, I started to avoid people, and I often think to quit my life, I’m still paying my debts for that damned house with my exboyfriend, I left my job and went to Cyprus cause I wanted a new beginning, but the reality is that after 3 months I came back here in Turin, I started a new job that I already hate (I was hired in Feb 2016) and I feel like buried from sadness.
When Chester passed I didn’t realized… but after a month I started to cry so hard, I remembered how I felt when 18 years ago I bought my CD of Hybrid Theory in London while I was there with my twin sister for study English, we were so happy, as in Italy they wheren’t famous yet but we used to watch a German music channel (VIVAzwei) where we first heard them…and loved them…(at that time my favourite bands where Orgy, linkin Park and Blur) I still have that CD here with me in Turin… it’s like my biggest treasure… I started to remember how their songs helped me to go on after that damned year 2005 when something’s got broken inside of me after all those loss and every time I felt falling down… that thing that got broken now it’s back as a reminder, I hate my life, but I love it, I hate my job, but it’s a really good job, I hate to spend time with other people, but I also love to hang out…
I just can’t understand my own feelings, And I’m still having problems with alcohol (less than before).
I often think that my only escape is suicide, than I look into my dog eyes, and the love I feel for him it’s so big that I’d never can leave him alone.
Is this depression? Or is my family right when tells me that I’m overestimating things?
Thanks for reading…

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Linkin Park Forum Clean-Up Crew
#2

Hi there!

First of nothing, maybe I am not the indicate to help you in everything, but I can tell you some words.

Also my English is not so good (I’m from Guatemala) but here we go.

I am passing for the same, so you can try to find a psychologist to help you. And no, you are not crazy, the work of the psychologists is help, no judge.

Never! That’s not the solution. I tell you by personal experience… The last year I tried to do it, and the LPU (Our family) helped me, thanks to them I am still here. Live could be a :poop: but there are a lot of things that are just beautiful and you deserve to meet and experiment by yourself :hugs:

I couln’t tell you, go with an expert, he/she will tell what it is. For what I read, and for me, it is depression, but again I am not an expert, so go with one.

Ahh… I don’t think so.

For the rest of your history:

  • Don’t feel alone. Many Soldiers here have passed for the same or someting similiar.
  • We support each other every time that we can and as we can, so welcome to your new family :smile:
  • I’m sorry for what you have lived, but I’m proud of you for have the enough strenght to share your life with us. :slight_smile: that’s something great! :tada: :tada: Please, keep strong :blush:
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#3

Hellooo and nice to meet you!! :sun_with_face: I’m Italian too, but from Rome… we’re a bit far away… :stadium:

Well, some people think that depression is not a “real” disease, but in fact it is, so like @IronSoldier16 said, I advice you to go see a psychologist…That’s my opinion and I’m not an expert, but I hope that can help you to heal and that you find the strenght to fight your personal war and defeat your demons! :muscle: :muscle:
Hope to see you around here! :sun_with_face: :hugs:

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#4

Hello, nice to meet you :blush:
I was dealing with stress problems and i went to see a professional. I am feeling way better since then. You can do the same if something bothers you. Just remember you’re not alone :heart:

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#5

I agree with @IronSoldier16 and @lpfan61. It would be better for you to see a psychologist. It’s the first step to do.

Like Mike said in an interview, when you have a broken arm, you go to the hospital; when you have a big flu, you go to the doctor. So when you wake up, and feel like something is wrong but it’s not physical, you’d better seeing an psychologist expert because mental health is as important as physical health.

And until your appointment, try to take care of yourself. Eat something you like, spend time with your dog, do things you like to do. Sending you strength for it! The LP family is here whenever you need to. :hugs:

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#6

I agree with what’s been said, you may want to seek professional help. Suicide is never an option! I don’t think you are overestimating anything. Being cheated on is not an easy thing to deal with and you were coping the best way you could. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing your feelings. I think at some point we all go through that.
My dog is my savior some days too. Animals have a healing power. We are hear for you. Stay strong.

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#7

Thank you very much family, there are up an down moments, yesterday i was down,your support is precious, sometimes it’s more simple to write what’s going through my mind… I think I’ll contact a psychologist… it’s the best way…

Thank you very much, i really appreciate your support… :heart:

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#8

Let us know what happens, please :slight_smile:

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#9

Hey you, I am glad you are sharing this. And I really hope you’ll find help very soon. It’s the first step.
I’m kind of mad at your family for not taking you seriously. They are wrong.
Your feelings are the most important thing and it doesen’t matter what others think- you need to deel with them.
It doesen’t matter, that there are surely people out there, who have bigger problems or a more difficult life. That will always be the case. But it doesen’t make your feelings and needs any less important.
So I hope you find help very soon. Don’t give up. And I hope it’s easier than where I live. Finding a therapeut is a challenge. But I am going to therapie again for two years and it is helping.
Good luck and keep fighting. YOU are important !

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#10

Hi Alessandra, I’m glad you opened up to us, know that your words are not wasted and we give you all the support, you’re not alone.:heart:
I’m afraid to tell you that the initial problem is your family’s attitude with you, they should never understimate you like this, for experience I’m gonna tell that depression depends mostly from the relationship and if it’s not this way a good relationship can really help: you should pass more time with your family, make them understand how you feel and what you expect from them. Believe me it will help you. :slight_smile:

I did it too when I reached the edge, but I felt so much more pain that I didn’t deserve and I thought about Chester, he wouldn’t want this. Glad you have stopped.

This is what your demons make you believe, you went through so many things that now you think you’re born like this, so sorry for what you’ve gone through: think about how all this will make you stronger now. You will taste joy again.:heart:

You said Linkin Park songs helped you, do you know they can still do this way? Remember Carousel lyrics:

“Try to be closer I’ll save you”

There’s a whole family to sustain you and understand how you feel, you know that. :blush:

Yes, but trust us you will make through this! Talinda has opened a site where you can know all the 5 signs and give you advice to go over, like taking care of yourself and getting engaged:
https://www.changedirection.org

Don’t even think about suicide! The love for your dog is stronger, but it shouldn’t be the only one reason. Think about how far you’ve come, how far you’ll go and how many times you could give up and didn’t, how many people sustained you and were by your side during this: you’re the stronger person in the world! Would you really give up now? We all will miss you so much! :heart:

You surely do a good thing, but if you wanna talk to someone I’m here for you, I’m from Naples so we can both speak italian, you can contact me on my instagram account running_from_my_shadow.

Wish you the best right now! :heart: Celebrate life!

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#11

@kiki868 how’s going? Hope you’re feeling better! :muscle: :sun_with_face: :hugs:

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#12

As always there are good and bad moments, next week I’ll start with the psychologist… :muscle:

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#13

Understood… sending strenght to you and a biiig hug!! :muscle: :sun_with_face: :hugs: :hugs: I’m sure it’ll go well!! :muscle:

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#14

I appreciate everything the band has done with and without Chester before during and after I served in the military. Y’all’s music helped me out with my demons for so long and has kept me from killing myself. I keep fighting the fight and I don’t think it will ever go away but y’all still continue to help me. So I thank you for putting out what you did for the fans to listen to.

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#15

Hey Alessandra (@kiki868) i am new in the LPU and just read your story you told 4 months ago. Im wondering how you are doing now? Hope the psychologist helped…
I have an anxiety disorder and got help to. I was always feeling sad and scared, but it is possible to be happy :blush: i still have my ups and downs (had my down couple of weeks ago and going up again), but with the right help you will learn to coop with it.
Please let us know how you are doing :kissing_heart:

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