So, here I am. Last month this time I was queueing in the O2, waiting for my first Linkin Park concert. I was so excited, been waiting for this gig for so long! There was countdown on my Facebook and everything. I was super excited. It helped a lot that the people in the queue were so nice. They included me in their little gathering. We were talking about Linkin Park, listening to their music. Everything was great. I felt so welcome.
Rewind to when I was 16-17 years old. I was rebelious teenager, full of emptiness and sadness. After every single fight with my mum I was locking myself in my bedroom and I was listening to Runaway. The lyrics were speaking to me. I felt like there was someone out there who understood what I felt and put it into words.
Forwarding few years I was in college. I think this is the time when my depression started to take over my life.
I was always insecure and had low self-esteem. I was trying to find a place where I can belong, but it was very hard as I was pushing people away. And again, Numb and Somewhere I Belong were my anthems. I loved the songs and I was listening to them on daily basis. I was guided by Chester’s voice who finally managed to convince me that I should take my life in my own hands and do something about it. I finally stopped carying about being like others.
It wasn’t working very often, but I was getting there slowly.
Linkin Park were, and still are, the band that I was looking up to. The words, the music helped me through the darkest times. I was always depressed, I was always thinking about death, but never had the courage to do it.
Chester’s voice was always keeping me calm and steady.
Fast forward to the 3rd of July 2017.
I was waiting 14 hours for them to start playing. I was super excited. I managed to be in the front which was the best place ever.
Chester came to us during Crawling and because my arm was stuck between all the pushing bodies, I was constantly touching him and later was half joking that he was sweating on me.
They played Numb and I lost it.
I never cried during gig. But this time, the emotions took over and I was crying. I couldn’t stop and I didn’t even try to stop. It was truly emotional moment and I am going to cherich that for the rest of my life.
The past two weeks were a nightmare.
Chester’s death hit me very hard. I never thought I am going to be crying after anyone famous. But there came Chester Bennington and I was sitting in my bedroom crying. I was not able to stop. I put One More Light on repeat for hours, but I didn’t hear that. I was too deep in my sadness. It was 3 am when I managed to go to sleep, only to wake up two hours later.
I couldn’t focus on anything. I kept crying at work and I was a mess.
I was angry, devastated and in denial at the same time.
I knew I had to do something. I had to honour the man who was with me for half of my life. So I started the memorial group.
If not for organising the memorial I would probably do something stupid. At this point I thought if he gave up why should I live?
But my Facebook mentions were going crazy, I had to reply to every single post and question so I was too busy to think about anything else.
I slept two hours every night and couldn’t eat. But I was busy, so that let me forget about the sadness.
The memorial was beautiful. So many people showed up and it was just perfect. We shared stories, we were hugging and I am sure that most of us became friends for life.
After the memorial I went back to my hotel and it hit me. Chester’s gone. He is not here anymore and I just made a memorial for him. I started crying again. I felt so weak, I felt so helpless. Last year I tried to kill myself and it didn’t work, I am still here. I don’t matter as much as Chester does, I wish I could swap places with him. I wish it was one big joke and he is somewhere hiding.
It’s been exactly two weeks and I am still not ok. I am trying to move on with my life, but I can’t. The band was with me for fifteen years. They were always a part of my life. And now Chester is gone and I have no odea what to do with myself.
Chester was my hero. He was my role model.
I know the pain that he had. I wish he realised there is a light in the darkness. There is something there. Unfortunately he is gone now. I am very sad and it is very hard.
I am not surre what the future will hold, but right now I don’t see the future very clearly. My mind is telling me bad things, I am fed up with life. I am tired of life, but at the same time I am scared of dying. It’s very very hard. I wish it would stop. But no idea if it’s possible.
Thank you Chester for all you’ve done. I love you and I will never forget you.
Always in my heart.
