Coping with this

We Love You Chester
#1

First I want to say hello to everybody.
I’m new to the site but have been listening to LP for about 10 years. They were always my favourite band and I like to say they were my “first” band, “first” music I remember actually listening to that wasn’t influenced by my parents’ musical tastes (I was 10 at the time.) Anyway, they are very important to me. I’ve spent literally half of my life listening to their songs, from elementary, to high school, to today when I’m in collage while also raising a son.
During the last few years I kind of “neglected” LP and music as a whole actually, because I’ve felt like I outgrew most of my favourite music bands/genres and I’ve felt like I just don’t have time for it (?). I’ve heard some of their “new” songs either on TV, movies, video games, etc. but haven’t paid mind to listen to the whole albums (after ATS), “I’ll do it once” I said.

On that 20th of July, I was feeling rather happy and content (I put my baby to sleep at a reasonable time and had some time for my self.) My mother, who is more on Twitter than I am, comes from another room (same happened with Chris) asking me “Have you heard? Chester Bennington died.” There was silence. Suddenly I wasn’t content anymore and I had feeling like something was clenching my throat. I felt my tears coming up even though I knew it can’t be true. I immediately got up to check every news, every source, to make sure it wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. Why would it be? They just released a new album, he had a wife, kids… Wasn’t he happy? I didn’t know he had problems, depression.
I realized I didn’t know anything about my favourite band and singer. I felt so ashamed and sad in that moment that I haven’t heard their last three albums, that I haven’t followed them on social media, that I’ve missed on so much. I still am.
And then the sages of grieving… maybe it’s a hoax, maybe he and Chris were murdered, maybe this is a dream…
Right now I like to think the fame and spotlight was too much for him and maybe he wanted to get away from it all. Maybe he even wanted to leave the band or something. My point is, maybe he just wanted some peace and faked his death and everybody’s in on it and he’s somewhere, happy with his friends, wife, kids… That’s how I’m currently coping with this…

I feel like I lost a best friend that I lost touch with some time ago. And now it’s too late to turn back.

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#2

I can feel every bit of emotion that you poured in your message here. May be its because i have been in the same condition too. For all most as long i can remember, from my school days till now while i am in my 30s i have been following LP. Although thier latest album “one more light” is a super awesome collection but it did not feel like a good bye till HE was gone. And since then the entire 35 min album has been on repeat while i am awake and working. Being in India and working in night shift, heard the news around 2AM my time. Since it was a comment in FB, i thought someone is just playing around. But the next morning when i got up and did a reseach, to my horror it was actually true. It just feels empty now, also it feels bad that none of his fan/family could ever realize that Chester was in such a need of help. Wish we knew, may be he would have been with us… just may…

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#3

What makes OML even more painful for me is that I’ve heard it only after he passed, which makes it even harder to listen to.
I’m not the one to mourn celebrity deaths but he wasn’t just a celebrity to me. I’ve always felt like he (and LP) was like an only true friend that I’ve ever had, one who was always beside me, never betrayed me, always understood me and helped me get through tough times. To know I’ll never hear his voice again makes the start tears running down my face every time…

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#4

I’ve had a similar experience, I completely ignored them for many years… It took finding out about Chester’s death to realize how much they had meant to me… I had forgotten, but the moment I heard the news it all came back to me and I was devastated. I felt shocked and confused at how much it was affecting me as I cried myself to sleep for almost 2 weeks. I felt so bad and guilty for forgetting about him and never saying thank you…

Before all of this I also didn’t know anything about Chester’s life and his problems with alcohol and depression. At the time when I listened to them many years ago, to me he was just that guy who sang about what I felt, who made me feel understood, who kept me company… I even dreamed of becoming a rock start and performing by his side and becoming friends and talking about life… But I knew nothing about him beyond what I imagined from listening to the lyrics.

Then I had a fall-out with music (not sure if “fall-out” is the correct term, but I went from being obsessed with music to resent it), and I stopped listening LP too. Although I was disenchanted with music in general I liked knowing they were still doing well, but to be honest I didn’t think much of them. From time to time I kept hearing comments about how LP had changed, how their music wasn’t as edgy, and I thought maybe it was because they were happier. Although a few months ago when I heard Heavy (probably the first time in years that I bothered to check one of their new songs) I thought the lyrics were still very dark… I didn’t know around that time Chester was talking about being depressed in interviews, so the news of his death came to me as a shock and at first I blamed it on the backlash of criticism on their last album (of that, I was aware of…). Then I started watching lots of interviews from the past years and started to understand a little better all he’d been through. I think he suffered a lot but I also think everything he achieved it’s really admirable. And from seeing those interviews it’s also obvious how much he loved music and Linkin Park… There’s no way he wanted to get away from that.

It may be too painful now, but know that his voice won’t really disappear. It was his gift to the world and no one, not even death, can erase that. If you’re still not ready to listen LP songs, maybe you can start by watching some older LP videos. There’s a lot of funny stuff and that was also a gift from him. When I first started watching some of those videos and I found myself smiling I felt guilty, but then I thought he probably would have wanted that. His work brought a lot of joy to people and while I’m agnostic and am not sure if there’s an afterlife, if there was and he could see us, I’m sure he’d want to see us continuing to enjoy his work.

I’m very sorry for the extremely long message. I hope you start feeling better soon, lots of love to you :heart:

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#5

Your message explains exactly how I feel.

I’ve been listening to their whole discography (and Dead by Sunrise) these past weeks, discovering everything that I’ve missed before and rediscovering my old favourite songs and reliving moments from my childhood. It’s true that their music changed recently but so did they and they still have songs that touched me and that I can relate to.
I’ve also watched some live videos because I can’t believe I’ll never get to see them live (they were among few bands that sounded good, sometimes even better live), I always thought time will come one day when I could feel that energy live. Now I know it will never happen.

And what hurts the most is the thought that they might continue making music (which I would love) but without Chester. I won’t be able to bear hearing In the end, Faint, Crawling, Breaking the habit nor What I’ve done (first song I’ve heard), etc. sang by somebody else… Just to think about it makes my heart break.

I’ve also watched these videos of how HB and Meteora were made, searching for all the demos I’ve never heard, and watching videos of Chester being the sweetest human being. It makes me feel a bit better but at the end of the day sorrow washes over me again…
I can’t believe how the guys and his family must be feeling when even I can’t cope with him being gone…

Thank you for your message. :heart: Being on this forum makes me feel like I’m not alone and that my suffering is not meaningless, as it might seem to most people around me.

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#6

It’s funny because when I started listening to Linkin Park and I was overwhelmed with my own emotions thinking I was going mad, Chester was the one who validated my feelings… And now that he’s gone it’s fans doing that. If it weren’t because I’ve seen so many other people feeling like me after Chester’s death, I don’t know how I would have dealt with it. People around me don’t understand either. I only told a couple of friends but they just glossed over it probably thinking it wasn’t a big deal.

Mike and Talinda’s messages on Twitter have also helped me a lot. I find it very comforting to see them tweeting, interacting with fans and trying to go on with life while spreading caring and positive messages even at a hard time like this. They’re an example to follow. If they can do it, we can too.

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#7

This is exactly how I felt too. :heart: I’m happy I’m not the only one who is feeling like that or gone through that. I had a falling out with music and LP 6 years ago missing 4 albums (had bought one in there but never listened to it) including OML which I was going to buy in the beginning of this month. Hearing about Chester just ripped my heart apart. I still loved them and felt all the love I did when I was a hard core fan. It’s so hard not to be able to tell Chester thank you and regretting not being there listing to their music through the years. It’s so hard hearing some interviews and knowing how he was feeling with depression since I have gone through feelings or thought like he had and knowing linkin park was the reason I was okay. But I love them and will keep loving them. I won’t make the mistake again that I made 6 years ago. This band is and has always been incredible. I’ll always keep happy Chester in my thoughts. Can’t watch enough of the old dvds and seeing his happy face.

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#8

This also pretty much sums up how I am feeling about all this. I have been listening to my entire LP collection non stop since that fateful day. I found out late that night while I was at work. Only 2 hours into work and that kind of ruined my entire night. Working night shift in a warehouse I don’t have access to internet. So, it killed me to find out more until I got home at 7am. I was praying it was a hoax or bad joke by some fake news outlet. I have seen so many I couldn’t be sure.

Sure enough…I honestly didn’t know how to react to all this. I still don’t. I am one that doesn’t get all upset about celebrity deaths. I do get bumbed out thinking how much it sucks to not see them in movies, or what have you. But Chester’s hit me right in the gut. At first I was angry. I started punching things and, not lashing out just kinda like why. I don’t know. Now I just try to listen to the music and remember the good things he brought to my life. The hardships and bad dark days their music helped pull me out of. To be honest, Linkin Park probably saved my life. I used to chat and talk with many others that had that same connection with them.

I honestly wish it was a bad dream. Part of my young adult life is gone now and all I have are the memories. I just hope those memories are ones I never forget. I will move on. but in doing so keep those bright memories alive in my heart and treasure everything for the rest of my life.

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#9

I’ve been loving LP since I was 14, almost 13 years ago.
I still remember the day I listened to Numb for the first time and never left them since. There were times when I couldn’t understand their decision and stopped for some month, but… They were, no, they ARE special to me.
And yeah, his voice. His voice was the first thing that got me like a frigging thunder. So warm and peacefull and yet full of sadness and pain. I felt like only he could understand my pain.
And now… he’s gone and I still feel so lost. I’m holding on the memories I have of him, his beatifull smile and his strenght, but… it’s really hard to go on. I stil have to figure it out how one can cope with a loss like this. I mean, he helped me so many times in my life without even knowing me, and in my stupidity I’m still kinda blaming myself for not being here when he needed help.
I never got the chance to meet him personally, I only wanted to say “thank you for saving me when I tried to take the easy way myself”, and now he’s gone and I feel lost.
I still need to figure it out how to move on.

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#10

I still can’t believe it. I feel like it is just a bad dream. Been Linkin Park fan for… geez 17 years. Chester was my first celebrity crush and Linkin Park my first “heavier” band and Hybrid Theory the first cd I have ever owned. You explaining why you “neglected” them later sounds just like me too. I also didn’t know about his problems before. Sure depression, but haven’t we all had it at some point.

Linkin Park was there when I had my worst times. Bullying, severe depression, borderline disorder, rape, self harm, suicidal thoughts… Their music helped me to get up in the morning and to grow stronger to face it all. I really can’t thank Chester and them enough. Without them my life would have been so much more miserable till the day I would have ended it.

Now I just listen to them, read fan fiction, look at the pictures, Google articles and try to cope every day. Trying to catch up and absorb all. The songs seem so much more sad and desperate now, especially OML. Never ever has another celebrity death hit me this hard. Feels like a piece of me has died too.

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#11

When i frist herd linkin park i fall in love with them it because of there music and chester voice i feel better about my life i was going through some deep dark stuff and it because of them i came out of my deep dark life. Even now he still make me feel like he stll with me .

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#12

I honestly believe LP and Chester saved my life. I listened to them as I got sober, I looked to them for sanity when I was in a abusive relationship for years. And his voice was what I would drown out my demons. I have attempted suicide more than once and I can tell you it’s quite intense now, especially since I played LP for my brother’s funeral. ( who did take his own life as well) it’s hard cause like many of you have said others just don’t understand. They all think it sucks, but no one can understand the intense pain I feel for him.
I have listened to everything from Dead by Sunrise, to STP, to grey daze and LP underground since the moment I heard the news. I even began to talk about depression and mental illness with my son. I’m trying to stay strong and #makechesterproud
But there are days that it’s almost impossible to get out of bed. I finally came back here and have reached out to this amazing community, which I’m still in awe! I know now that these coming days may be a little less scary (my brother’s 4yr anniversary is tuesday the 12th) so bare with me guys I’ll need you now more than ever!!:blue_heart::blue_heart:

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#13

Big hugs! If you need anything or someone to vent too I’m here for you! Keep strong for Chester! Keep fighting for Chester! :heart: As Talinda has been saying #fuckdepression #makechesterproud :blush:

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#14

Thank you I may take u up on that!
#fuckdepression #makechesterproud

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#15

I think the backlash and criticism, and the haters are to blame for this. Also if you notice, there were some people that commented on social media, making hurtful comments and things like “selfish” or whatever. I felt like that was the reason for what happened. Never once during the 17 years they were active, have I ever slammed them nor Chester. I have defended them since day one, every time they were up for an award, every record release etc.Just so you know. Also I am not sure if I had enough time to get safe distance from what happened to him. Cause I am devastated he’s gone, I had just met him in 2014. He was the sweetest person both my sister and I met. And I even got to hug him.

#16

We will never know for sure and I don’t want to speculate too much about that. But the same that when you have serious heart problems your heart could stop working when you least expect it, when you have serious mental health problems your brain could take the decision to end your life with no external cause needed…

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#17

Well put @vegav1!

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#18

I never once thought he had that kind of problem. I mean he was always upbeat and he loved what he did. Which was why his death was a shock,

#19

I just love those two hashtags!

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