Yesterday
After last year I dread 07/20.
But thanks to Pat , I write down my last years experience and it actually works, I think not once of it or my father.
I receive all your caring, uplifting words, and it touches me deeply.
Thank you so much @nickolasgray @france8888 @drounzer @ HakManLP
How much concern and compassion in you.
And all your stories, what this day was three years ago, how it felt, how you walked through it.
I can’t help myself, I cry with every new experience.
But could I be so strong like you all are?
Still reaching out, carry others like me with you?
No, I sink into sadness, deeper and deeper.
And?
Am I at least patient with myself? Accepting that it is okay how I feel, how I am?
Another: No.
I am so disgusting of me.
How can I not be strong, honouring, helping.
Aaarrg!
I don’t want myself!
I just have to read this text so far, it’s all me, me, me.
But nothing is about me at this day!
Why can’t I take myself away!
And crying again, Sniffles.
To think about, what this means to the people who actually were close to Chester, his family, his kids!! Dang, the kids.
Oh, and I just wish he could have gotten old with us. Wouldn’t be forever frozen, could have aged.
He should have the chance to become this.
But no.
It’s taken.
Still left us with so much.
His love.
His caring.
His music.
His voice.
I listen to A Line In The Sand on repeat.
Drowning deeper and deeper in my selfmade misery.
Finally, I kick my butt. Anna, do something, it’s lunch break, drive to the beach!
And I do. The wind is strong, the waves really high. I can’t come over the wave line. But still, jumping in the tide. The spray, wind, clouds!
It is just fucking awesome
My mood isn’t dancing, but a little better after all. Enough, that I can see, that I should stop judging me on top.
Pain is with me.
Sometimes so strong, that I can’t carry.
There is this pic @LP13413 posted in the forum. It’s so … how should I say it. It feels so like me. Death, as comfort in my pain.
It is okay to be that way.
It is okay to feel that.
It is okay to let others see this.
It is okay, that they love me, even this me.
It is okay to let them be there for me, when they offer.
Yeah, and on days like today, it’s also okay to shut the pain up. I am very strict with alcohol, know about it’s lure. But it is okay for me today. So I get me some beer and drink, feel the pain numbing. I don’t need much for this, I really drink seldom.
And finally it is evening. I join @gatsie s invite for a LPU plugdj meet. We listen to music together, mostly Linkin Park, we chat and feel company on each other. Thank you so much @anomalia @rickvanmeijel @StephLP18 @jabinquaken @ Lilyope @jrtrussell @ agusdbianco @ IronSoldier16 just for being there!
And with this, the day is over. Finally.
My pain, it is there anyway.
All the rest, the awareness, the comfort and most of all, you guys, that I have thanks to Linkin Park and Chester Bennington.
We all have this.
We all have each other.
Just Thank you!
Weep not for roads untraveled
Weep not for sights unseen