I’m Not Well, Depression, Please Pray for Me

I’m going through a really difficult time. I struggle with depression and some other things I’d rather not mention here. With the way things are going and how my mind works, I don’t see it getting much better. I don’t feel like I am cut out for the world. Just asking for prayers.

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Whatever the problem is, remember you are not alone.

Sending strengths and a lot of hugs.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

We will pray for you, just don’t give up :slight_smile:

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I don’t think that’s the thing. There are way to much people with you in this boat.

Keep on fighting!
We are all with you! !!!
:muscle::heart:

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See…the problem is that your name is misspelled :smile: you can’t find clarity in life when you spell it claritea :roll_eyes::blush: kidding…

Sighhh… life’s gonna make us work for everything that’s just how it goes… some days, some few days in a row it confuses the living hell out of us and others things just seem to fall in place but that’s the thing, taking them in stride no matter which it is :slightly_smiling_face:
Why would you not be cut out for this world if you were born into it? :slightly_smiling_face: we may not have directions or instructions but sooner or later we all find our place… it just takes longer for some than others but patience(I hope) is rewarded :blush:
Definitely have my thoughts with you though :hugs::bat::black_heart::bat:

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If you ever need anything, even just a place to vent, we’re right here for you.

Stay strong :heart:

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If you ever need someone to talk to we will be here
For you. I know at times it gets hard but you’re not alone you have a family here that loves you very much. Sending you strength and I will keep you in my prayers

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:pray:t2: The lord will lead you into the light … just don’t stop walking your way- he will guide you and lead you through the darker days … let us know how you are doing today- and maybe each day!

:rainbow:You matter - and you’re good- just the way you are :hugs::yellow_heart::rainbow:

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Sending you strength to pull through!

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Thank you everyone for reaching out and your prayers. Literally right after I posted this thread, I just so happened to receive a text and a call from a dear friend. I ended up telling her what was up and we hung out and made art for a couple of hours. That really cheered me up. If it wasn’t for that I think I would still be in a bad place.

Please note if you can hold off on the therapy suggestions, I’d appreciate that because it feels dismissive when people say that.

Today I’m feeling better than when I initially wrote this thread. I’m okay with how I feel for now, but I know it won’t last and I’ll feel terrible again. I’m going through some major life changes that make me feel very inadequate, worried, weak, and financially unstable. My depression and low-confidence kill my motivation to be more ambitious. That’s only part of why I feel like I don’t have what it takes or that I’m not cut out of this world. I do have two jobs that I’m comfortable with and work in my favor since I’m quite sensitive and intro/ambiverted, but I know I can’t depend on them for the rest of my life. There’s also a part of me that just doesn’t want to find anything better because I’m stuck between feeling comfortable, fed up and scared. If this is how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life plus more bills in the future, then why even bother? This is where my thoughts get really dark. I know I’ve told people on here who struggle to be their own best friend since that’s what’s worked for me, but I admit lately I’m having a hard time with that myself.

You’re welcome to skip this part:
By the way, I went to a Linkin Park Tribute this past Saturday night in NJ (the night before I started this thread). That was the first time I’ve been around so many LP fans in person and been to a show that came close to LP (never saw real LP live). I was very nervous about going and most of my friends couldn’t go, but thankfully one friend made it stayed with me for the first few hours. There was a band that performed songs from Hybrid Theory and Meteora which are my favorite albums so it was fun to sing and shout along with the audience. I made sure to compliment and thank one of the band members. However, it also got me thinking how I wish I really got to see Linkin Park live when Chester was still around. If it’s this much fun with a tribute band, I can only imagine how phenomenal it would have been to get the real experience. I feel like I really missed out, but Chester shows up in my dreams often and I’ve noticed a lot of “signs” so that is somewhat comforting.

Honestly, I felt very awkward after the band was done and my friend had left. Half the people were leaving and people were standing around talking to their groups of friends while a DJ played. Part of me wanted to meet other fans but I didn’t want to be invasive or force unwanted interaction. I’m more of an introvert, but I can be an extrovert in certain situations. I tried to appear confident as stood by the bar and…texted on my phone…but deep down I felt so out of place and I was worried it looked pretty obvious to people that I was some type of loner hiding behind their phone. I stuck around for a little to see if more people would start dancing because I love to dance, but the atmosphere didn’t feel right so I left. One person did approach me and I responded to them but it didn’t really get anywhere since it was too loud and I wasn’t exactly into that guy anyway. I think all of the above triggered me and I started thinking maybe there’s something wrong with me. I’m still glad I went and enjoyed the band though. The food was delicious too.

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Happy to hear you’re better :blush::yellow_heart::hugs: it’s about being aware- and every down has an up and everything bad happening keeps something good inside- we just sometimes can’t see it immediately… sending you strength and keep your head up :muscle:t2::grin:

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Sounds to me dear Claritea that you are not the problem, but the reaction to the problem.
you read like a well self aware individual, and even heroic, as for an introvert, you set out of your comfort zone to meet other fans almost alone.

What i can assure you is that you shared your emotions to the right place!
This is a community created by the common theme of love for this band and the lyrics who attack our fears and demons or give us weapons to do it ourselves.
Dismissing someone off to therapy is something you will never find here :slight_smile:

I can write a lot about depression, specially concerning the depression of introverts.
but i will not because you really come out as very healthy to me.
Healthy in this sick world means “worried” , “feeling different”, “feeling upside down”, so all i read above is health health health!
Someone seeing themselves as upside down in this upside down world, is upright to me and standing strong!

I have had the honor of seeing LP live twice and indeed, having experienced Chester is great ammunition for our daily war, but if you didn’t get the chance, maybe you were strong enough to manage without that ammunition warrior!

If i were to talk about depression though, i would say that i’ve discovered it always relates to a reason.
I am not sure i am reading a reason above…
There are thousands of remedies but none will work unless we attack the reason itself through talking to ourselves in the mirror.
Remedies help us go by, but it’s only the cure that fixes it, but to get there we need to identify the problem to find its cure.
It will hurt just as much as the necessary pain of removing a thorn from your skin.
that little pain is nothing compared to the health of having the thorn removed.

Many times, the reason is comparison to others and attempts to fit in, like the little swan tried hard to fit in with all the ducks.
Maybe you are suffering a little from that?
If so, Linkin Park every two hours for 25 days and if that doesn’t work we will increase the dosage.
Sorry… we need to attack it before it spreads :slight_smile:

In your quest (which we all share) to discover where your root of depression lies (depression is a liar so she lies somewhere indeed) you have a family here to a) give you hugz and b) listen to your thoughts and feelings like they were ours, judging them not!

i hope the smile i sent through has arrived by now! (checking watch)
NJ is way far from your new brother in Greece!
but i have walked some streets in NJ for a week and loved it (taking pride in sharing that!)

Irrelevant info below, non respondable
btw, i’ve made some videos with the above facts on depression (about what a liar she is) but i’ve been kindly asked to not share them here :slight_smile: negating the reason i exist in the family! :man_shrugging:

But i owe my brother (Chester) as he pulled me out of mine to return the favor and to not leave this fam to slipknot fans no matter how politely they may ask because fams are not decided, they just are, by blood!
LPU is soldier stuff! war is what soldiers do!
and it is on if you note how many depressed lives are at stake every day!
ignoring a war does not win it!
:pinching_hand:

Keep your chin up soldier, you have us on your back!
and we’re a silent army! (of introverts :p)
:muscle::muscle::muscle:

This response is a video typed out!
you got the introvert/extrovert part so i guess 10% of that vid is already knowledge you hold.
video editors make videos so they don’t type them out and stuff…
but i guess, they preferred my typing!
it’s called “depression killah” and i am sure you can find it without a link.
maybe the only one without LP in it but Sia pulled through alright :slight_smile:

This community will always be happy to read your self-discoveries and struggles so never hesitate to share your heart here!
:revolving_hearts:

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Thank you all. Please keep praying for me. Still in a dark place. Yesterday was terrible. It was so obvious I was miserable I ought to have a dark cloud over my head. I barely spoke to anyone and when I got home from work I slept for the rest of the day. A friend texted me asking how I was doing; I replied that I was ok and that I was going to rest. I really wasn’t ok and I only said that because I just wanted to be left alone with my dark thoughts. I haven’t even been listening to music for the past few days and I’m the type who usually does.

This made me laugh so much you inspired me to make this quick drawing.

Yes at that point I was actually smiling :slightly_smiling_face:

@achilleas7 You’re on the right track. Yes lot of my depression stems from comparison to others as well as traumas. I usually delete apps like FB and IG when I’m done posting because if I stay on there too long, I’ll remember why it sucks to be me. You nailed it when I said I feel upside down in an upside down world. It’s hard to feel like I belong and have what it takes to live a more fulfilling life when I’ve been taught all my life that people, especially women, who look like me are not enough. That’s why I relate to Somewhere I Belong so much. Many people have told me I’m enough but I just don’t see it myself. It makes me just want to throw in the towel in a dark way. If I don’t make it to my 30s, part of me is okay with that and hopes that happens. However, on new years I declared that my resolution is to make it to Jan 1, 2020 alive by choice. I’d be 29 by then, but with the way my thoughts are I’m not so sure that will happen.

Also, @achilleas7 you say depression is a liar but I believe it’s telling me the truth. Maybe I’m just not meant to succeed and I really am fundamentally flawed and fundamentally a failure. I hope it’s not true but it really feels like it is :slightly_frowning_face:

I will let you know my thoughts when I watch the video. Thanks for sharing that.

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oh, no…
the thoughts i was referring to are exactly those you did share! and i’m the one having follow up questions!
let’s not focus on the video or the response to it
It too, is only a finger that points to you discovering yourself.
let’s not focus on the finger :slight_smile:

So my observing (vs judging) nature has the following questions :
i loved that sketch! Not just as an LPU but technically, it really stands out as 3D and i;ve done my own attempts with shadows of charcoals (big fails)!
(plus i feel so honored to inspire it) :blush:
are you into art or are you doing it as an escape?
Then, if the escape turns out to be the reason you were born, how bad would it have to get out there for you to resort to it?
is there then any chance than the misfortunes around you are blessings instead?
I am not speaking out of my … head about this, nor book knowledge…
Looking back at the life of the caterpillar, sure looks very funny to the butterfly
but it didn’t find it so funny when she decided to lock herself up in a cocoon and never see another living being again.
It sure was dark in there with zero light in sight!
And if you asked me, i’d say it happened to me exactly where you are now, at my 30s.
There’s something at that age, about turning the wheel to your ascendant who is a completely different individual than your main horoscope. The more conscious you are of the coming change, the lesser the shock! (i was not prepared!!)
So all i want to ask you is to be patient and take that doubt of “making it” out of your confusion.
be confused! you’re meant to!
but never give up on living!
Nature will take its course but only if we allow it to through our faith in it and patience for its slow but certain mechanisms.
Depression fools us into stopping the process ourselves…
Hardships build you up. easy lives make you chill back and enjoy.

So, the darker it seems, the greater the job you have been selected for (revealed yet or not)
Depression is a liar because she never told you about the war!
the war you are here to fight with the weapons i already see,
your self-transparency and insight with self-criticism to the degree it deserves.

She never told you about that because she will lose you once you pick up your purpose.
Depression works while we feel purposeless.
don’t i read some of that above?

People don’t agree about this war, but that’s this butterfly;s job… to reveal it.

Do you by any chance know your MBTI since i see you are already introvert/extrovert aware?
Only asking because most of the depression i see is when people don’t do what their inner drives are. going against our flow can be … drowning…
eg, they tried hard to make me a CEO :slight_smile:

Don’t hesitate to throw more thoughts in!
you have a great heart to read :slight_smile:

Btw, if you are what i am (your typing hints that way) then you only get your energy when you help someone else.
So, you will find INFP nurses but not many doctors.

If that’s the case, i want you to know that your response to mine was one of the best i have had in my life and made my whole month!
i hope that tickled your heart into understanding how much of an impact it can have even unwillingly!
imagine being focused on it!

I used to ride and i used to work within the balance of the libra
now i just shoot stuff like these only (or make videos about) as Saggitarius is a no-games dude!
Depression took my best friends so i laugh to those who think i’m the one starting it!
I only target practice now as a result of feeling lonely and bored and don’t want more to leave me back here alone!

I hope our discussion today, “hit the mark” :wink:
(sagi in me whispers that it did!)

oh… depression also says you are alone…
read this whole thread again… is she telling you the truth on that one too? :lying_face:
but maybe this arrow was an overkill :stuck_out_tongue:
:hugs: :heartpulse::heartpulse:

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Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad to hear my response added to your month and life :slight_smile: I am an INFJ/P and also a Sagittarius. I do like helping people from time to time and I noticed that helps me, but I also need a lot of space.

I draw because I am really into it and it’s also an outlet. I’m in the process of drawing a dark cloud as it rains over my head while I’m listening to some music (yes some of it is the LP medicine :upside_down_face:)

It’s quite possible that the misfortunes are blessings but I have a bad feeling I’ll always be too stuck to experience the blessing side of it.

Yes I often feel like I don’t have a purpose and I certainly feel confused.

I like the quote you shared. I admit I have been praying for an easier life, but I’ve also been praying for strength to endure the difficult times.

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@claritea I am sending you lots of strength, your a strong person and we all here believe in you, and we’re here to help you through this journey, we care about and love you very much. By the way I love that drawing you did.

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Thank you @StephLP18 I really appreciate oh reaching out

I just finished the drawing I mentioned earlier. This sums up how I feel.

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I love your skills and talents and inspiration on drawing :writing_hand:- you are blessed :heart_eyes:

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wow that was fantastic!
Yes my dear, you are very talented!

Your way of writing made me suspect you are an INFP
I’d take it a step further and try to help with the J/P confusion by telling you an INFJ does not struggle in the same sense you do, they are much more certain of themselves (when they shouldn’t really, but that’s my INFP biased view about them)

Do me one favor though?
no one eyed drawings.
they are a symbol by themselves (single eyes) even if while drawing it we are unaware of it.

Honored to meet you Sagittarius!
I’ve so happened to meet a bunch of your kind in the past 2 years (like everyone i meet)
maybe my job and reason for the many meets is to fill your quiver!

you are transforming into your Ascendant now. do you know what it is?
i used to be the silent Libra for a whole life, but noticeably… not any more :blush:
:bow_and_arrow:

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Hey :smiley: your definitley not alone in this, there’s always been times when I have been depressed or felt down aswell, where I have thought too much about things that I shouldn’t think about much, music has definitely been a help in this, and chatting on this forum :+1:

Love the drawing aswell :smiley:

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Thank you all. Sister officially moved out on Friday. I’m back in the dark place. I didn’t bother working at my side job this weekend because I’m too down and it’s too risky to work if I’m sad. I went out Friday night and danced. Been a few months since I did that. But when I got in the car. before I drove home I cried uncontrollably. I’m sure some people saw but I didn’t care I had to let it out. I’ve been sleeping a lot this weekend. I haven’t drawn anything and I haven’t listened to LP. I feel like I’m in the wrong dimension and I just wan to to get out of here but I’m too afraid so I just sleep. Sometimes I watch to motivational videos and other times I listen to videos about people who transitioned by choice. I’m about to go to my sisters house for the first time and someone will be driving me there. Thank god because it’s not good for me to drive right now. I think Chester was in a few dreams. That was a little comforting.

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